Friday, December 08, 2006

Colin's Christmas Candle

By Barbara Raftery

Colin walked slowly home from school, scuffing his feet. He looked across the hills at the little Irish fishing village. It did not seem like Christmas Eve. Perhaps this was because it still had not snowed.

But Colin knew there was another reason why it did not seem like Christmas--a reason he did not dare whisper even in his heart.

He looked toward the lead-colored sea. There was not a single ship on the horizon. And seven days ago his father's fishing schooner had been due home.

"I'll bring you a sheep dog pup from the Shetland Isles," Colin's father told him the morning he left. "Ye'll have it a week before Christmas, I am certain."

But now it was Christmas Eve. Colin looked toward the lighthouse, high on the hill. Seven days ago, a storm had short-circuited the lighthouse wires. The great beacon's light had been snuffed out. For seven days, there had been no light to guide his father's ship.

Colin pushed open the door of his cottage. "We'll need more peat for the fire, Colin," said his mother as he entered. "It has burned itself out. And it's near time to light the Christmas candle."

"I'm not carin' much about lightin' a candle, Mother," he said.

"Aye, I know, for I'm not carin' much either," replied his mother. "But everybody in Ireland lights a candle on Christmas Eve. Even when there's sadness in the house, you must light the candle. It shows that your house and heart are open to strangers. Come now, I've two candles, one for each of us. If you gather some peat, we'll be ready for supper soon." Colin nodded and went outside.

He led their donkey up the hill so that he could gather the peat. "Who cares about a silly candle," he said as he glanced toward the lighthouse, "when there's not so much as a beam of light to guide a fishin' boat home?" The donkey shook his head and brayed sadly, as if he understood.

But while he was staring at the lighthouse, Colin had an idea. It hit him like a gust of warm spring wind. He started running up the long hill. When he came to the lighthouse, he pounded on the door.

Mr. Duffy, the keeper, opened the door. "What's got into you, young fellow? You startled me--and on Christmas Eve, too!"

"Mr. Duffy," gasped Colin, "how did you used to light the beacon?"

"Why, with electric batteries. But they are blown, my boy. Dead as can be! And we won't be able to replace them till after the new year."

"No, I mean, how did you light the lighthouse before there were such things as batteries?"

"Well, they used an oil lamp. It's down in the cellar. But we've no oil to burn, lad."

"Would kerosene light the lamp?" asked Colin, holding his breath.

"Well, I suppose," Mr. Duffy mused. "But don't go gettin' silly ideas in your head, lad. You wouldn't find even a pitiful quart of spare kerosene in this village. Everyone is so poor for money this year…"

Colin was gone before Mr. Duffy could finish his sentence.

Down the hill he ran, back to the cottage. Quickly he gathered four pails from the kitchen. Then he darted out the door.

Colin could see candles glowing in nearly every cottage in the valley below him. A candle on Christmas Eve meant that a stranger would be welcome and given whatever he asked. He didn't stop running until he came to the first house.

"Could you spare me just a half cup of kerosene from your lamp?" he asked. Colin went to every house where a candle shone in the window.

In one hour he had filled two pails. Slowly and painfully he carried them up to the lighthouse door. He knocked.

"What's this?" Mr. Duffy asked. "Laddie, this won't keep the lamp burnin' for more than an hour or so."

"I'll get more!" Colin shouted as he started down the hill. "It's early still."

After three more long hours, Colin had gathered five more pails of kerosene. He was on his way with the sixth pail, when the tower suddenly flickered with light. A great beam spread out over the valley. It stretched toward the dark heart of the sea like a finger pointing home. Mr. Duffy had lighted the lamp!

It was very late when Colin reached home. His mother jumped from her seat near the fire.

"Colin, where have you been? You've had no supper, nor lighted your candle!"

"Oh, Mother! I've lighted a candle, and a big one! It's a secret, so I can't tell you--yet. But it was a huge candle indeed!"

Colin slept soundly that night, dreaming of candles. Suddenly, a great shouting aroused him from his sleep.

"The boat! The boat has come in!"

A hundred voices were spinning in his head. "The light--'twas the light they said--the light from the beacon. They were only ten miles away after all. The boat was just a-driftin' in the fog, lost."

Dawn was breaking. Colin dashed to the window. People were milling around outside. His mother was running toward the harbor. It was true! There floated his father's schooner, standing out black as coal against the gray of the sea.

Colin darted across the yard and raced for the harbor. He felt a moist wind on his face. It was beginning to snow.

Oh, it was Christmas morning all right, falling right from heaven and into his heart!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Buddy

There was once a little girl named Alizabeth. She lived up in the mountains where there was snow and woods with her mother and father and her older brother John. Alizabeth always walked to school by herself every morning. One morning when she was walking to school, she tripped and fell. She looked up and saw a big, hairy creature. It looked like Bigfoot, but she wasn't sure what it was. She screamed and stared at the creature. And the creature just stared right back at her. So she got up and ran home, and the hairy creature followed her home.

When she got home, she showed the rest of the family the hairy creature. They didn't know what to do so they called the police. A tired cop answered the phone. The cop said, "Hello." She was sort of grumpy. Alizabeth's dad said, "There's a big, hairy creature that my daughter ran into on the way to school." And the police lady said, "Uh-huh. Right. So let me get this straight. There's a big, hairy creature that your daughter ran into on the way to school and the creature followed her home. Listen, Mister, every time I get calls about big creatures, I come and the creature is not there."

"Hurry up," yelled Alizabeth's dad. "He's going to break the phone."

"All right, tell me where you live, and I'll be right there." Then she hung up.

It was as if the big, hairy creature had heard the whole conversation, and he ran away. Then the police officer pulled up, and she said, "Uh-huh, right." And the father said, "No, really, he just ran into the bushes." And the grumpy police officer drove off.

That night everyone fell asleep right away. But Alizabeth couldn't fall asleep. She had a dream about the big, hairy creature breaking into their house. And the dream was real. The big, hairy creature really was breaking into their house right then. And he went into Alizabeth's room and she started screaming. Then all the lights suddenly were put on, and her parents came rushing in the room.

Her Dad had a gun in his hand, and Bigfoot was threatened, so he left the house.

When Alizabeth came home from school that day, her morn asked her, "Where's Johnny?"

"I thought you picked him early or something," Alizabeth replied.

"No I didn't." So they went outside and started calling his name: "Johnny! Johnny!"

Then they heard some crying sounds. They found Johnny. He was stuck up in a tree, dangling by one leg. They couldn't get to him.

"I thought I told you not to climb that tree," Alizabeth's mom said.

"I know, but I really just wanted to, just this once. I'm sorry," Johnny cried.

"Don't worry, honey, we'll get you down. I'll call the ambulance or something."

Then suddenly out of nowhere came the hairy creature, and he leaped on the tree and saved Johnny. He brought him down to the ground gently. Alizabeth's mother and father ran up to Johnny and hugged him, and Johnny promised he'd never do it again. Alizabeth thanked the hairy creature. The whole family thanked him, especially Johnny.

"He can be part of the family, can't he, Dad?" Alizabeth and Johnny asked.

"Of course he can," Dad answered.

When they got home, they fixed up a bed for the hairy creature. The bed was made out of leaves, since he loved nature and it was in the living room. They decided to name him Buddy. Then everybody went to bed. Alizabeth slept well.

In the morning, Johnny and Alizabeth went to school. Alizabeth didn't have many friends at school. Nobody really liked her, and when she told them about the hairy creature, nobody believed her. They all started to laugh at her.

At recess, Buddy came. She told him to go away, since it was not a place for him to be. But he didn't listen. He just went over to the other kids and started playing with them. They thought he was cool.

The teacher looked nervous. Alizabeth told her that Buddy was safe. "He saved my brother when he was stuck up in a tree. He's very gentle," she explained. Alizabeth's teacher looked like she believed her. Then everyone started to be much nicer to her than they usually were. Alizabeth felt special. When she came home from school, she told Morn and Dad about the great day she had. She said thank you to her new friend, Buddy.

Editor's note: Jessie was 9 when she wrote this. She is now 10 and lives in Florida.

By Jessie Greenberg, Child Life, Nov/Dec2006

Bartlestein's First Fling

LARRY BARTLESTEIN has played it safe all his life, and playing it safe has paid off. At sixty-four, he is a wealthy man, his two daughters are married, he has two grandchildren and another on the way, and he and Myrna will soon celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. In his set of friends, this last fact is nearly worthy of Ripley's Believe It or Not. There were lots of early divorces, and a number more when couples reached their mid-forties. Some had still not settled in. Bartlestein read in Chicago Magazine last month that his high-school classmate Joel Meizels, the real-estate developer, had just forked over $40 million to his third wife. The figure made him whistle. The two earlier wives probably hadn't done much worse.

To Bartlestein, playing it safe came naturally. He had been a passably good student in high school, majored in business at the University of Illinois, taken and passed the CPA exam, and married Myrna Perelman, his high-school girlfriend, soon after graduation. Myrna, who had gone to the National College of Education in Evanston, taught grade school for the two years that it took Bartlestein to get his MBA at the University of Chicago. A job offer from Merrill Lynch followed, but it involved moving to Dallas. It was around then that his father-in-law made Bartlestein one of those offers not many people could refuse.

Perelman Plumbing is a major manufacturer of sinks, tubs, and faucets in the Midwest, one of the four or five largest in North America. Irv Perelman, the first Jewish licensed master plumber in Chicago, built the business out of a small warehouse on Western Avenue, near Diversey, after returning home from World War II. A genuinely modest man, he retained the thick, callused hands of a plumber, grime permanently encrusted under his fingernails.

"Larry," Irv Perelman said when his daughter told him about their prospective move to Dallas, "what's it going to take to keep you two here? I'd like the business to stay in the family, and Myrna's mother and I like having our daughters close by." Myrna's older sister Susan was married to a dentist in Highland Park.

"What do you have in mind?" Bartlestein asked.

"I was thinking about making you a vice-president in charge of the administrative side of the company, and eventually let you run the whole business if you turn out to be good at it. Starting salary of $50,000 a year."

In 1966, $50,000 was serious money, more than twice what Merrill Lynch was offering to move Bartlestein to Dallas. Besides, Myrna wasn't eager to leave Chicago. Why not, Bartlestein figured? He told his father-in-law he was grateful for the offer, and ready to give it his best effort.

Irv Perelman was of the my-word-is-my-bond school. He had no craving for power or status or glory, and he felt no need to bully or lord things over his son-in-law or anyone else. He just wanted to turn out a good product at a reasonable profit. His employees, who after five years became automatically vested in the company's profit-sharing plan, tended to stay put, many for their entire working lives. "No need to be a pig," he once said to Bartlestein. "Run this business right and everyone will do OK."

Bartlestein spent long hours mastering the details of the plumbing business. When Irv Perelman turned seventy-five and stopped driving, Bartlestein began picking him up on the way in from Northbrook. Most mornings, Irv read the Trib and then, after he put down the paper, the two generally talked business: investing profits, enlarging the plant, designing a new line, patching up troubles. After much careful effort, Bartlestein had gotten the firm's less expensive sinks and faucets into Home Depot, which turned out to be a shrewd move. His father-in-law treated him without condescension, as if he were a full partner, which is what he made him on his 50th birthday.

One morning, on the drive down, Bartlestein mentioned that he was thinking of getting a new car, a Mercedes. His father-in-law came alive. "Do me a favor," he said, "and buy another kind of car." Bartlestein asked why. Irv, who never talked about his wartime experiences, answered that even today he didn't like to think about it, but his battalion had been among the first to liberate the Jews at Treblinka. "I don't consider myself a prejudiced man," he said, "but the least I can do to keep the sights of those days out of my mind is not to have to drive to work with my son-in-law in a German car."

Bartlestein bought a Lexus. He continues to buy a Lexus, a new one every three years. He has come to think the Lexus is the perfect car for him: dependable, not too showy, efficient, quietly luxurious. He has himself become a kind of human Lexus.

AFTER THE death of Irv Perelman--at eighty-one, of a heart attack, early one morning at his desk Perelman Plumbing has continued as a family business, with Lawrence R. Bartlestein as chairman and chief executive officer. Bartlestein has invested both the company's and his own personal profits well. He has twice been president of Temple Jeremiah. He is among the major contributors in metropolitan Chicago to the Jewish United Fund, manufacturing division. He golfs at Bryn Mawr Country Club. Myrna, a better golfer than he, regularly wins the over-fifty women's title at Bryn Mawr. His daughter Debbie is married to a cardiologist and has two children Of her own. Jennifer, his younger girl, married a documentary filmmaker and is now, after two fairly traumatic miscarriages, in her eighth month. Her husband Charlie isn't making his nut, so Bartlestein helps out with a couple of grand a month.

At his annual physical less than two months ago, Bartlestein was assured by his internist that he is in excellent health. He does the treadmill and rowing machines at the East Bank Club, his weight is about what it should be, and all his numbers--cholesterol, blood pressure, PSA, and the rest--are good. Financially, medically, domestically, he is in the black, in the clear, sailing in calm waters.

So the question is, what is Lawrence R. Bartlestein doing in his office at 6:45 P.M. on a Wednesday night slipping his hand under the blouse of a young woman named Elaine Leslie, a designer at Perelman Plumbing? Elaine at this moment has her hand on Bartlestein's belt buckle, loosening it with what seem like very deft hands.

Only minutes ago, Elaine Leslie was standing behind Bartlestein's chair as he studied the designs and production costs for a new mid-priced line of faucets, a project she had brought in for his comments. He felt her hand touch his shoulder, then go upward, massaging gently, her fingers raveling the hair on the back of his neck. He pushed his chair away from his desk, and before he had time to say anything she slid smoothly onto his lap, and his arms were around her. Presently she will descend to do unbidden what Bartlestein, head of a company whose estimated worth is well over $100 million, has never quite found the nerve to ask his wife to do.

Bartlestein feels himself trembling slightly as Elaine, moving quickly, removes her blouse and slips out of her skirt. Now they are on the floor, Ms. Leslie (as Bartlestein persists in thinking of her) directing the show. Bartlestein feels oddly detached, hugely excited yet curiously outside himself, looking in. He recalls that he is a grandfather. He has had back trouble of late, and hopes he will not throw something out of whack before this session on his office floor is over. Until now, he has never in his life slept with anyone but Myrna.

Earlier this year, Bartlestein had lunch with Eddie Jacobs, who handles his account at Bear Stearns. Eddie's third wife is in her early thirties, and, Eddie confided, he is sexually very active. That was the slightly bragging phrase he used, "sexually very active." Bartlestein's own sex with Myrna is and always was decidedly less so. He enjoyed it, and tried to be a patient and in no way brutish lover; Myrna was without expressed complaint. But after the first year or so of their marriage, sex had never been at the center of their life. When their daughters arrived, and his responsibilities at the office increased, most of Myrna's complaints were about the hours he worked at Perelman Plumbing. Bartlestein's adult life has been lived through a very sexy age, and he has tried his best not to be swept up in the craziness.

Bartlestein and Elaine Leslie are now lying on the Oriental rug in front of his desk, she on her stomach, he still on his back. He looks at his watch: 7:18. The Polish cleaning women, he knows, come on at 9. Clothes are scattered across the floor. He is still wearing his T-shirt and black socks--"executive length," as the saleswoman at Marshall Field's described them to him. Now they remind him of those ridiculous movies shown at the stag parties he used to attend for friends on the night before their weddings.

"What exactly are we doing here?" he hears himself ask.

"I believe there are several names for it," Ms. Leslie answers.

"I guess I mean why are we here?"

"For pleasure," she says. "It pleased me. I hope it didn't displease you."

Bartlestein feels complimented. "I'm still not putting it right," he says. "How did we get into this position?"

"I got us into it, Larry," she said. "It's OK to call you Larry, isn't it? I thought you could use a little relief."

Relief, Bartlestein thinks: interesting word.

They dress, and Bartlestein asks if she would like dinner; he can tell Myrna he has to entertain a customer at the last minute. She says no, thank you, but since her car is in the shop, she would appreciate a ride home.

On the way, Bartlestein finds conversation awkward. He asks if she grew up in Chicago and she answers New York, but she has lived here for almost twelve years. "I still think of myself as a New Yorker," she adds. "Can't help it. Being a New Yorker is like being a member of an ethnic group." This makes Bartlestein wonder. Is she Jewish? Her name doesn't give much of a clue.

Bartlestein drops her in front of her large apartment building on Armitage, off Lincoln Park. No talk about his coming up; no mention of their getting together again. Looking back as she closes the car door, she says, "Thanks for the ride, Mr. Bartlestein," forgetting to call him by his first name.

DRIVING HOME, Bartlestein attempts to decipher Elaine Leslie's motives. He rules out simple sexual attraction, at least on her part. Although, like all men, he still checks out every woman in sight, and figures he will probably do so on his deathbed, there is nothing of the flirt in him. He is careful to send no signals to his female employees, and has certainly never sent any to Elaine Leslie, who was hired not by him but by his father-in-law. He is without illusions about his own attractiveness; women, he knows, find him perfectly resistible.

Perhaps, Bartlestein thinks, still searching for motives, she views sex with him as a way of getting ahead in the office? Blackmail is always a possibility. A wealthy man with a settled home life, Bartlestein has put himself in a position where Elaine Leslie could do him real damage. His mind racing, he conceives the possibility of an office pool, with the prize going to the first female employee to bang the boss. Who knows?

He thinks back to the day when, near high-school graduation, he and Myrna first made love--"going all the way" was the name for it then, a phrase, it occurs to him now, that assumed there was no way back. Having taken her virginity and in the same moment given up his own, he felt, rightly or wrongly, beholden to her. In those days the sex act was not only exciting but a matter of the deepest intimacy, implying trust on every level. There was nothing trivial about it. Now, for Elaine Leslie, it was a means of relief. Which was the better arrangement? Bartlestein hasn't a clue.

He is not disappointed to discover that Myrna isn't home. A note in the foyer tells him she has gone to her book-discussion group at Sue Levin's. There's lasagna in the fridge, with instructions for warming it in the microwave. She may not be home until after 11, and will try not to wake him. Bartlestein, who gets up at 5 A.M., is usually asleep by 10:30. The note, as always, is signed "Love, Myrna."

Eating the lasagna quickly, Bartlestein moves to the bedroom where he checks his shirt for lipstick and his clothes for perfume, and--always the safe player--showers before getting into bed. He is sure sleep won't come easily but it does, and without any of the anxiety dreams that have plagued him since he turned sixty.

In the morning, Bartlestein looks over at his wife, her face, even in sleep, shining with kindness. He and Myrna don't confide in each other regularly; there are many things, chiefly business worries, that Bartlestein keeps to himself. But their marriage is built on being able to count on each other, on never being a cause of embarrassment, let alone humiliation. What happened last night, if it were to come out, could only cause her both.

Usually they have coffee and toast together, but this morning he decides not to wake her. After he has shaved and dressed, he kisses Myrna gently on the forehead, and tells her he is leaving a bit early. "Love you," she says, pulling the covers up and falling easily back to sleep.

IN THE office, checking Elaine Leslie's file, Bartlestein learns that she is 23 years younger than he, is a graduate of the Pratt Institute of Design, earns just under $70,000 a year, and is divorced with no children. She has been with Perelman Plumbing for eight years. According to the reports of the people she has worked for, she is excellent at her job. She is also, Bartlestein reflects, good-looking, dark, petite, and vibrant. Not to mention fine in bed, or on the floor.

The question is how to erase what happened last night. These days you have to be very careful about letting someone go, even someone who royally deserves to be fired, which Ms. Leslie clearly does not. Screwing the boss hardly qualifies as a reason, especially when the boss has put up no fight whatsoever; more likely it qualifies as grounds for a high publicity sexual-harassment suit.

Earlier, driving to work, Bartlestein wondered whether he might arrange to have her lured away by another firm, perhaps even fix things so as to pay part of her salary. He is on friendly terms with Teddy Mohlner, head of a rival and larger plumbing firm. What if he confessed to Teddy his "indiscretion"--that is the word he decides he will use--and asked him to take Elaine off his hands by hiring her for $20,000 more than she is now making. He would come up with the additional money out of his own pocket. Once the deal was in place, he could tell Elaine he had heard Mohlner was looking for designers and was willing to pay up to $90,000. Was she interested?

But now Bartlestein thinks: what am I, nuts? Imagine confessing his problem to Teddy Mohlner. Imagine signing up to pay twenty grand or more a year for the foreseeable future, all for a quick roll on the floor. Talk about dumb schemes!

"Hi. Larry Bartlestein," he finally says to Elaine Leslie on the office phone. "I think we should probably have a talk. Are you free for dinner any night this week?"

"Tonight I can't," she says. "But tomorrow night's OK."

"Great," he says. "You know Erwin's, on Halsted? How about we meet at 7."

"See you there," she says.

Bartlestein's heart is racing. How the hell did he get himself into this? He sees scandal, lawsuits, a divorce, his careful life going down the tubes. The problem facing him is how to disengage smoothly, without bad feelings and worse consequences, but his mind floats off when he seeks a solution.

AT THE bar at Erwin's, it occurs to the waiting Bartlestein for the first time that maybe he doesn't really want to disengage from Elaine Leslie. Doesn't he deserve a little time off for an entire life of good behavior? He can afford a lady friend, and what with his long working hours and frequent business travel he feels reasonably sure he could arrange to bring the affair off. Maybe it makes sense to let this business unfold, wind down of its own accord.

Erwin's is a restaurant with good food and a fairly low level of pretension. Hoping that he won't be seen, at least not by friends or business associates, Bartlestein has scanned the room with care. Elaine Leslie is only a few years older than his daughter Debbie. Seeing them together, would someone take him for her father? Better that, he thinks, than for some old guy chasing young broads, a sugar daddy. As he ponders whether people use words like broads and sugar daddy any more, Elaine walks up to him at the bar.

She is wearing jeans, close-fitting, and a red cashmere cardigan over a white T-shirt. Her dark hair, cut short and brushed back, accentuates her delicate ears. On them she wears simple silver ball-shaped earrings; on her feet, moderately high heels. Her lipstick is darker than what she uses in the office. Noting these things, Bartlestein thinks that Myrna, who jokes about his obliviousness to her clothes and jewelry, would be amazed at his powers of observation. He also thinks he would have a hard time convincing anyone that this young woman, dressed for the attack, is a niece from out of town, or a business associate.

"I don't know this restaurant," she says. "Looks like a good place for a tryst. Or are trysts only in the afternoon?"

"Good place for dinner, actually," Bartlestein says, "and for talk. What're you drinking?"

She orders an apple martini, something Bartlestein has never heard of. From a small bag she takes out a white box of long, slender cigarettes. Lighting one for her, Bartlestein feels he is in a movie from the late 1940's, which, he reminds himself, is well before Elaine Leslie was born. In fact, everyone in the restaurant seems young to him: the fellow who asked for his reservation, the bartender, the woman who has shown them to their table, the waitress who recites the list of the evening's specials. After the first two specials, Bartlestein can never keep track. Elaine orders a veal chop, he the swordfish.

"So," Bartlestein begins, as the waitress goes off. "What do you see happening here?"

"Between us?" she says. "I kinda think that's your call."

"I'm a lot older than you, I'm your employer, I'm married, I'm even a grandfather."

"Really," she says. "I don't think I've ever slept with a grandfather before. I certainly never slept with my own."

Her jokiness puts him off, but he persists. "Why would you want to waste your time with me?" he asks.

"Think of me as Florence Nightingale," she says, lifting her martini glass--tall, with a blue stem--in a toast to herself. "I like the idea of bringing comfort to the wounded troops."

"Wounded?"

"Maybe not wounded. Maybe stifled. I don't know, but when I was standing behind you at your desk, I felt an overpowering sadness, as if you were a little boy who always did what he was told and didn't have all that much fun doing it."

"I don't think of myself that way at all," Bartlestein says. "I think of myself as a lucky man, in lots of ways."

"I'm only reporting what I felt," she says. "Funny: you say 'think,' I say 'feel.' Difference between men and women, I suppose."

When their food comes, Elaine's veal chop is enormous.

"They don't spare the horses here," Bartlestein says.

"Let's hope they do," she replies with her quick smile.

Bartlestein is impressed by the way she tucks into her food. Myrna, who worries about her weight, nowadays rarely eats anything but salads and fish, and never much of either.

"How do you eat like this and stay so slender?" Bartlestein asks after she has polished off the chop, the potato, the broccoli, and a large salad, and ordered a dessert of chocolate mousse and raspberries and a double espresso.

"The torture of exercise," she says. "The choice for me is simple: jog five times a week or buy my clothes at maternity thrift shops."

"Which reminds me to ask, if it's not too personal, how come you've never had children?"

"Pretty personal," she says. "My ex-husband turned out to be a child himself, and since he didn't show any signs of growing up, I didn't see much point in raising another one. There's another reason. I had an alcoholic mother. I'll spare you the details, except to say that my dad took off and left my brother and me in her very shaky care. When your own childhood has been a misery, you think hard before bringing more children into the world. At least I did. Still do, actually."

BARTLESTEIN FINDS himself touched by this young woman. He learns that her younger brother died in a car accident. She went to college on Long Island, to a school called Adelphi that he had never heard of. To help pay her way, she had waited tables. She wanted to be an actress, but auditioning made her too nervous. She had always been good at visual art, had an instinctive sense of design, and was able to get together a portfolio that won her a scholarship to Pratt. Her marriage, she tells Bartlestein, lasted four hellish years.

What Elaine described was a life lived pretty much on her own. How different from the case of Bartlestein's own daughters. Mostly thanks to Myrna, the girls had been carefully guarded and ushered through a gentle girlhood ending in safe marriages to Jewish boys of roughly their own background. They had been backed up all the way. Elaine Leslie flew solo, and was still doing so. Bartlestein admired that.

"You know," he says, driving her back to her apartment on Armitage, "we really haven't talked about the purpose of this dinner."

"You mean the purpose wasn't strictly nutritional?" she says.

"I mean where we're going."

"I think I'll let you decide that," she says. "I understand your situation is much more complicated than mine. If you want to put a stop to things now, we can do that, too."

"You're an amazing kid," Bartlestein says, pulling up in front of her apartment. "But maybe you already know that."

"I do," she says. "But it's nice to get reinforcement." She gets out of the car before he can come around to open the door for her. "Have to be up early," she says, looking in, "I work for a real tyrant. Thanks for dinner."

On the drive home, Bartlestein feels exhilarated, youthful, high and happy as he hasn't been for years--decades, really. He knows men whom he thinks of as terrific chaos managers. At the East Bank, he occasionally runs into Jack Meltzer, a friend from high-school days. On his fourth marriage, all of them to much younger women, Jack has twice declared bankruptcy, is in serious hock to the IRS, and at one point had mafia goons after him for too-slow payment of juice loans. Yet he shows no obvious traces of stress. At the club he still takes more than his share of shots at half-court basketball, flirts with women, tells jokes at which he himself laughs the loudest.

Bartlestein is not like that. If a shipment is delayed or profits are down by a half-point from last year, he can't sleep. How he has avoided ulcers is a mystery. "Know your limitations" was one of his father-in-law's great mottos, and Bartlestein, taking it seriously, had discovered his early on. He needs his risks to be carefully calculated, his days to be orderly, his life to be routinized. Take care of the details, he believes, and the larger matters will take care of themselves.

Are we talking about a mid-life crisis here, Bartlestein wonders? He had never put much stock in the notion. Men of a certain age become interested in younger women and want to drive around for a while in red convertibles. Not much crisis there, it seemed to him, just random desire conquering good sense. So isn't he entitled, too? At sixty-four he is already well past mid-life. Hasn't he earned a last--make that a first--fling?

Details, it is all a matter of details, and details are Bartlestein's specialty. If he could master the details of the sink-and-bathtub business, surely he can master the details of a relatively simple love affair without stirring up trouble. True, the stakes are high. If he is caught at it, Myrna will never again regard him in the same trusting way; she might even want a divorce. He will lose the respect of his daughters and their husbands.

Before he turns off the freeway at the exit for Dundee West, he has decided not to break things off with Elaine Leslie.

"LARRY," MYRNA says as soon as he enters the house, her voice shaking, "I've been trying to reach you for hours."

Bartlestein takes out his cell phone. He'd turned it off before going into the restaurant.

"What's the matter?"

"It's Jen. The baby was stillborn, strangled on its umbilical cord. She went to the hospital by ambulance, but it was too late. Larry, it's horrible. Almost full term, and now this nightmare." Tears are in his wife's eyes. She embraces him. She sobs, clutching at him. Bartlestein holds her, rubbing her back slowly in a circular motion. He tries to block out everything he has been thinking on his ride home. The thought crosses his mind that his own behavior may have had something to do with his daughter's misfortune.

Bartlestein does not think of himself as religious, but he leads his life as if cosmic justice prevailed. A man does good, and good is likely to be his reward. The reverse is also true--not always, not inevitably, but mostly. He knows there are thousands of exceptions, but somewhere firmly lodged in his mind is the certainty of cause and effect, of acts having roughly predictable consequences, of people getting what they deserve. Somewhere, an accountant keeps a fairly careful record.

"Dr. Oberman says that Jen isn't going to be able to have children, ever," Myrna says. "She's heartbroken. The hospital put in a cot, and Debbie is going to spend the night. Thank God Jen won't be alone."

Bartlestein's mind, usually so concentrated at moments of business crisis, is scattered. Despite himself, he can't help comparing his wife, her makeup ruined by tears, body slumped in grief, eyes red, exhausted by her daughter's suffering, with Elaine Leslie's youthfulness. He feels a perfect son of a bitch; and he feels his own age.

EARLY THE next morning at Highland Park Hospital, Bartlestein finds his daughter sitting in a chair near the window. Her older sister has gone home. Her mother is coming in later. Jennifer is his perennially troubled child. True, until now her troubles, though real enough to her, have been minor. She needed glasses, then braces. Her skin wasn't as good as Debbie's. She turned out to have a bit of a learning disability, and needed remedial teachers in grammar school and special tutoring later on. She sulked through adolescence, her sadness strong enough to send her to a therapist. She was unhappy with her nose--the Bartlestein nose, high-bridged, nostrils flared. Bartlestein didn't protest when Myrna said it should be fixed.

Nothing has seemed to go easily for Jen. Maybe because of this, Bartlestein loves her even more than her sister, though he tries never to show it. He loves her more because she needs him more.

"You OK, baby?"

"I'm OK, Daddy," Jen says, and her eyes begin to tear up.

"How's Charlie taking it?"

"He's been great. He's talking about adopting. I wanted my own children so much." All her efforts at bravery collapse, her head drops to her chest, she begins crying. "Why me, Daddy? Why always me?"

Bartlestein holds her, kisses the top of her head, rubs her back as he did her mother's last night, mutters over and over that everything's going to be all right. He feels her thinness through the robe. He stays for twenty minutes, holding his daughter's hand, neither of them saying much. He leaves after hugging her at great length, feeling inadequate.

Will this inability to have a child become the story of his daughter's life? Maybe he has raised both his girls too protectively. He has done everything he could to make them safe, has been the net over which they flew. Except they never really quite flew, not even Debbie; they never even quite got off the ground. They are conventional girls-decent enough, not mean or selfish, but in no way out of the ordinary.

But then, Bartlestein thinks, neither is he. Through cautiousness he has ventured little while gaining much. He has concentrated all his energies on his business: making and selling sinks and tubs and faucets. But what has he given up in return? Passion is what Bartlestein feels missing from his life. If he lived more by his instincts, he would already have begun to let his affair with Elaine Leslie play itself out, to see where it led. But he doesn't live by his instincts; he lives by rules, by repression and self-sacrifice, by fear of shame and worry about guilt, by what he has always taken to be moral principle. At the moment, he doesn't feel particularly moral.

On the floor of his Lexus, Bartlestein notices a small suede bag. Opening it, he discovers lipstick, a tweezers, a small mirror, a compact. It must belong to Elaine: lucky thing he didn't take his wife to the hospital. It's only a little past 7:30, so he decides to drop the bag off before Elaine leaves for work.

On the freeway, his cell phone rings. Myrna.

"What do you think?" she asks anxiously. "Is she going to be all right?"

"She's obviously very depressed. It's understandable enough."

"What terrible luck!" his wife says. "She wanted this baby so much."

"Rotten luck," Bartlestein agrees. "Crappy, crappy luck."

"We have to stand by her, Larry. Jen's going to need a lot of help."

"Right," Bartlestein says. "Look, babe, I'm just getting off the freeway. Call you later."

Bartlestein finds a parking spot half a block from Elaine's building. Ringing her up from the lobby, he's answered by a man's voice. Bartlestein says he has Elaine's cosmetics bag. The owner of the voice says she's out jogging but he'll come down to get it. A minute or so later, a young guy, tall, in shorts and a tank top, a baseball hat worn backward on his head, greets Bartlestein.

A relative of Elaine's, Bartlestein asks?

"No, a friend. Scott," the young man says with a smile, putting out a hand for Bartlestein to shake. He has large good teeth, very white. Bartlestein, a grinder in his sleep, has lost four teeth on the lower left-hand side and now wears a bridge.

"Thanks," the young man says. "I'm sure Ellie will be glad to have this." As he walks away, Bartlestein notes his long sun-tanned legs and athletic calves.

BARTLESTEIN GOES through his day, takes meetings, deals with suppliers over the phone, answers correspondence. Part of his plan is eventually to leave the business. He has thought he'd probably sell it to one of his larger competitors. What exactly he will do with the time available, he doesn't know. He'll find something.

Actually, until meeting Scott, he had been thinking that one of the things he might do was to show Elaine a few bits of the world in an expansive, expensive way. Now, he is thinking about his foolishness in imagining this could ever have happened. At a little past four, his secretary buzzes that Myrna is on the phone.

"Larry," she says, speaking quickly. "Bad news, but everything's OK."

"Myrna, be clear, please."

"Jennifer stuffed a fistful of pills down her throat. Thank God they got to her in time." Myrna is sobbing.

"My God!" Bartlestein says. "What do we do now?"

"I don't know," she says. "Please come home right away. I need you. We all do."

Bartlestein drives in a dark rain along the Kennedy expressway. Myrna's last words on the phone had been, "You're so good in emergencies, darling." Vaguely, he wonders if he will ever create an emergency or two of his own before he leaves the earth. But that is not his role. He tries, without much success, to imagine his daughter's despair as she grabbed and gobbled down those pills.

A list is forming in his mind as he turns off the freeway. He will press ten grand on his son-in-law to take Jennifer on a vacation once she has her health back. He'll find the best shrink in the city for handling this sort of post-partum problem, if post-partum depression is what Jen is going through. He'll call Marry Cohn, his lawyer, to see what he knows about adoptions in China, in Korea, in Guatemala, here at home. He'll look into the business of surrogate mothers; another lawyer he knows, Henry Waller, has made a minor legal specialty of this. Naturally he'll pay the expenses.

Tomorrow he'll call in Elaine Leslie. In his office he'll tell her that, pleasing as the prospect is, his life is too complicated just now for them to continue seeing each other. He'll mention serious family troubles, not going into any details. He will always be grateful to her, he'll say, leaving unspoken what, exactly, he is grateful for. What he is truly grateful for, he realizes almost with relief as he pulls into the driveway, is that she showed him a kind of life he is now certain he could never lead. He pauses for a second or two as the engine of the Lexus dies away, breathes deeply three times through his mouth, and heads for the house. It's a little past 5. Marty Cohn never leaves his office before 6:30. Might as well call him now, Bartlestein reasons, his spirits picking up.

By Joseph Epstein, Joseph, Commentary

Peter's Treasure

"Chessie, look what I found."

I was lying on the rug in my room, watching the rainbow that my mirror makes on the floor at the same time every day. I was wishing that it weren't Thursday, and that Mom wasn't at the hairdresser, and that I could be at Beth's working on my history assignment. I was also wishing that someday Peter would call me Jessie, not Chessie.

"Chessie, why didn't you answer me? Hey--what are you doing lying on the floor? What are you looking for? Do you want to see what I found?"

Peter appeared in the doorway of my bedroom. He was mostly freckles and missing front teeth, disguised as a brown-haired, seven-year-old boy.

They should have named him Question Martin Rogers instead of Peter Martin Rogers. I have never heard anyone who could ask so many questions at once.

"Why aren't you outside playing with your trucks?" For a change, I asked Peter a question.

"Because I wanted to show you this."

He held up what appeared to be a very dirty penny. He had tried to scrape some of the dirt off with his finger. I took it from him and looked at it quickly.

"That's just a penny, Peter. Why don't you put it on the kitchen counter so Morn and Dad can see it? Go back outside to play until Morn gets home." I handed the penny back to Peter, then turned back to my rainbow. I was so lost in my daydream that I almost forgot about my brother.

"… some funny writing and a picture of a lady on it."

"What? What did you say?"

"My penny has some funny writing and a picture of a lady on it."

"That lady is Abraham Lincoln and that writing is Latin. Now go outside and play."

"No, it is a lady sitting down," Peter insisted. "Here, look at it again."

He was right. There was a lady sitting on a bench or something, holding a wand. The kid was pretty observant for a seven-year-old. It was hard not to be interested in Peter's discovery.

"Where did you find this, Peter?"

"Over by the stone wall. Do you want me to show you, Chessie?"

We went out back to the stone wall, where Peter had been playing. He had used the garden trowel to dig up small mounds of dirt near the wall.

"Don't forget to put the trowel away," I said absently. "Now where did you find this coin?"

Peter pointed a dirty finger toward a space between the rocks at the bottom of the wall. I tried to put my hand in the space, but it wouldn't fit. The best I could do was wiggle my fingers around in the emptiness.

"You try it, Peter," I said. "Your hands are smaller than mine. Feel around in there and see what you can find. Be careful not to scratch yourself on the rocks."

A look of intense concentration came over Peter's face. He frowned; he shut his eyes; his tongue came out and followed every move his hand made. After a couple of minutes (which seemed like hours), he began to smile. He pulled out his hand. In it was a small pouch. The pouch was badly decayed, but it looked as if it were made of leather.

Peter had a look of surprised victory on his face now. It was almost as though he hadn't been sure there was something hidden in the wall, and he had been afraid to be disappointed. He tried to shake the pouch. At the first movement, the seams split, and several coins fell out onto the ground. We both reached for them at the same time. Each of us picked up a coin. Since I was thirteen (almost fourteen) and therefore much wiser, I decided to impress Peter with the importance of his discovery.

"What you have here, Peter, are some very old coins. They were probably hidden in the wall a long time ago by one of the owners of our house. You have heard Mom and Dad say that our house is one of the oldest houses in Westfield. This could be an important discovery. We will have to show Dad what we found. He will give us advice."

"What I found," Peter corrected. "You were only a helper."

"OK, what you found. Let's go in and wash all the coins. I'll carry them. You take your trucks and the trowel."

"I'll carry the coins and come back later for the trowel and the trucks," Peter retorted.

His seven-year-old logic sounded so right that I let him have the coins. I picked up the trowel and the trucks instead.

He was standing at the sink, waiting for me. "You can wash and dry them, Chessie. You are better at that than I am."

Carefully, he placed the coins in my hands. In the excitement, we hadn't stopped to see how many there were. I put them on the counter. There were nineteen of them--twenty, counting the one Peter had found in the dirt. Not a fortune, but probably someone's nest egg.

"This was probably a nest egg, Peter," I said aloud.

"Did a bird put that there? I didn't think birds had money. Do they, Chessie? If I were a bird, I'd build my nest in a tree, not way back in some dirty stone wall."

How did he always manage to ask crazy questions?

"A nest egg is when people put some money in a safe place for an emergency. They hide it so they can get it quickly if they need it. Like the money you hide in your toy box."

Peter's discovery caused a lot of excitement in our house that night. Both Mom and Dad said the coins were antique, but they didn't know anything about them. Dad was going to the library after work on Friday to borrow books about old coins and the history of Westfield. Mom was going to the college to do some research about the former owners of our house. Peter was a celebrity; he fell asleep with a glowing smile on his face. I hated to admit it, but I was pretty proud of him, too.

I hurried home from school on Friday. I didn't want to miss finding out what Mom and Dad had learned about the coins. Peter kept following me around when I got home, so I was glad when Dad drove up the driveway.

Dad had a big smile on his face. He tried to hide it, but we all knew he had good news. Peter tackled him on the front lawn, demanding to know all about the treasure.

"Those coins are the type used around here in the early 1800s," Dad began. "They have some value, but they are not made of gold. There are coin collectors who will buy them. You would have to advertise in a coin collectors' magazine. So that's one option."

There was a lot of conversation at the dinner table that night. Mom and Dad did most of the talking; it was hard to tell whether Peter was paying attention.

Finally Mom said, "Well, Peter, what do you think? Have you decided what to do with your treasure?"

"Yes," he answered. "I am going to keep one of the coins."

"But what about the other nineteen?" I asked.

"I am going to give them to the museum in Westfield so other people can look at them," Peter said firmly.

"Why, Peter!" Mom exclaimed. "How wonderful! Did Jessie give you that idea?"

I was flattered, but, to tell the truth, it had never entered my head.

"No, I thought of it myself," he said. "We are going to take a field trip to the museum in the spring. We talked about museums in school."

Mom and Dad said they would take Peter to the museum the next day to make arrangements for his contribution. He was very excited. I tried to fight back the tiny feeling of jealousy that was creeping into my head.

That night when I was getting ready for bed,. I noticed something wrapped in a tissue on my pillow. "Love, Peter" was scrawled on the note beside it. Inside the tissue was one of Peter's coins. I didn't understand what was going on. I went across the hall and stood at his door.

"Peter," I whispered. "Peter, are you still awake?"

"Yes. Did you find it?"

"'Yes, I did. But why did you give me one of your coins? You are going to give them to the museum."

"I know, Chessie. but you were the helper. And besides, I thought you might want to start a hen's nest."

"You mean a nest egg, you silly! Thank you very much, Peter." I tiptoed over and gave him a big hug and a kiss. "This is the nicest present I've ever gotten. I'm going to put it in a safe place."

"You can put it in my toy box, Chessie. That's where I put mine."

I couldn't answer him because I was afraid he would know I was crying. I just gave him another hug before I tiptoed out of the room.

At the door, I stopped. "Good night, Peter. See you in the morning."

"Good night, Jessie," came the sleepy reply.

By Carol S. Meldrom, Children's Digest, Nov/Dec2006

A Real Somebody

We'd been together for a year, engaged one month and my only intention was to love her. I swear to God. I was content to cherish every moment of every minute just being with her. But Lena was impatient and seemed agitated in her own skin. Like she was desperate to escape herself and re-emerge in some alternative universe where everything was 'perfect'. It made me wonder how she'd ever be able to love me at all but I didn't let myself worry too much because she was beautiful and there aren't many beautiful lesbians in Bakersfield.

She wore a thick coat of peach lip-gloss and I'd stare at her mouth every time she implied I wasn't enough. My jobs as grocery bagger and self-published poet didn't impress her at all and she made a lot of hand gestures emphasizing how I was not her idea of an ideal spouse.

Lena was a radiological technician and proud of it, although I'm not sure she really enjoyed operating the equipment. When I would wonder about it to her, she would just wonder back why she was with someone on such an inferior track, as she liked to call my life. I tried to ignore her cruelty by fantasizing elaborate scenarios of what our future life would be like. I imagined us sitting together under a huge canopy of misty trees, like the old growth forests of yesterday. I'd pour her blueberry tea and rub her feet while we discussed all the ways in which consciousness is now evolving on the planet. The sun shining through the branches would cast appealing shadows across her face and she would swoon as I kissed her. It was all wonderfully cinematic.

Sometimes she'd catch me staring off into space and bark at me that daydreaming doesn't pay the bills and that I needed to either go to medical school or get my air traffic control training. Neither of these options held any appeal for me, as stress was something I didn't necessarily thrive on. I did make an appointment at a community college to figure out some premed classes but I got a really bad cramp in my eye and had to come home.

On days when I'd feel shameful, I'd clean the house really well or offer her a back massage with my homemade raspberry body rub. She'd either ignore me or tell me to concentrate on ways to afford the 2007 GL450 Mercedes SUV. I wanted to scream at her that big gas guzzlers are no longer sexy now that the planet is melting but I held my tongue.

Every now and again she'd be really sweet to me and totally melt into my arms. She'd be kind and accepting and affectionate. This rarest of Lena's actually felt like the real Lena. But she didn't allow herself this freedom very often. I could almost see the instant that some anxiety-ridden thought warrior would burrow into her mind and take over completely.

But I still held out hope for us until one Friday in July when two very odd and unexpected things happened to me. I came home from my usual morning writing session in the park to what I can only describe as an awful sight. All of my belongings were stacked on top of each other in the front yard. It was like the U-HAUL thing in reverse, too quick for comfort. Lena was standing on the lawn, looking truly pissed off, almost enraged.

"I'm leaving you," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"You've done nothing towards building a life for us. Nothing towards that SUV and I'm not gonna drive an economy car forever. It's just not who I am. You do nothing and you dress like a slob!" she screamed.

I stood and stared incredulously at her feet. She was wearing blue tube socks stuffed into brown sandals.

"But I love you Lena," I said.

"Stop!" She was squeezing her hands into fists.

"We're not gonna end up on the street," I said.

"You're a selfish, lazy artist. I don't have the time or luxury to sit around and lolly-gag through life. We're meant to do something, be somebody!" she yelled.

"You are somebody!" I yelled back. The tears I was trying to hold had started their slide down my face.

"Yes, I know. I'm a radiologist!"

I should have added 'technician' but instead I said, "I love you."

She was silent and for one glorious instant, I thought I could sense the real Lena making a comeback.

"Go away Trish."

It was an awkward scene as I gathered up my stuff and wiped the snot from my face. It would have made for great television but I was devastated. I figured I could stay a week or so at Jake's place. Jake was my best friend, another selfish, lazy artist like myself.

"And don't come back because I'll be seeing somebody new," she said.

"What?" I said. It felt like someone was ripping my guts out through my throat. I moved towards her wanting a really good look at her eyes.

"Her name is Jeannie and she lives in Long Beach. I met her online," she said, near tears.

"So you haven't actually met her in person yet," I stated.

She squinted at me like she might charge, "That doesn't matter. She's a trial attorney. She's got her shit together. She's actually doing something with her life. Not like you Trish. You'll be on the turtle track forever!"

She was crying when she slammed the door in my face.

I started walking to Jake's place with my three suitcases when the phone rang. God how I was hoping it was her calling to tell me she'd finally come to her senses, that she'd had an epiphany and that she would love us both AS IS from this day forward.

Instead it was Bruce Jacks, my literary agent, whom I had not spoken with in over a year. He said he was calling to inform me that my long-dead screenplay, A REAL NOBODY, had just been optioned for a five-figure development deal.

I asked him how and he said people 'are into that metaphysical shit now". I looked up at the sky with my tear-stained, quizzical face. The rest of my night was bittersweet. Jake and I laughed and cried and wrote really bizarre haikus. Lena never called me and I never called her, even though Jake nearly begged me to ring her up and gloat.

The next day I flew to Los Angeles, an old tattered script in hand, wondering what it would feel like to finally be a real somebody.

By Katherine Carlson, Lesbian News

The Hat Boy

Try this on for size.

Rosie and kirsten sat in the school library, bored. How had they gotten themselves into this?

"Girls? Girls!" Ms. Ellings' scratchy voice called from the biography section. "Are you being lazy again?"

"No, Ms. Ellings," Rosie replied, quickly shutting the costume design book she'd been flipping through.

"Well, what are you doing? You should be in the Ls by now! Why are you still in the Cs?" the librarian asked, coming over to them.

"Well, um …" Kirsten closed the book about women's hats and bonnets she'd been skimming.

"These books were all out of order, Ms. Ellings!" Rosie said quickly.

"Yes, it really was horrible! We were going through the As and Bs and then we started finding Ys and Zs!" Kirsten exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Ms. Ellings gasped. Just then, the phone rang. Ms. Ellings hurried to her desk.

Kirsten and Rosie had to come in this rainy Saturday afternoon as punishment. On Thursday they had run through the library, late for English, and knocked over a stand of books about the 1920s. Ms. Ellings demanded they come in and help her organize her books on Saturday to make up for the trouble they'd caused.

"Girls! I'm terribly sorry, but I have to leave early!" Ms. Ellings said, hanging up the phone.

"My brother just flew in from out West, and he's arrived much earlier than I expected. I have to pick him up from the airport."

"Can I use the phone to call my mom?" asked Kirsten. "She was going to pick us up in two hours."

"Yes, of course. But I really do need to leave--can you find your way out?"

"Sure. Bye!"

Ms. Ellings left the library as Kirsten started dialing her mom.

"Ugh," Kirsten said, "it's not working."

"Oh, you have to dial a certain number first, but I don't remember what it is. I used the school phone like, once, in fifth grade."

"I've never used it," said Kirsten. "I always sneak calls on my cell. But I didn't bring it because I didn't want to risk anything with Ms. Ellings."

"Great," Rosie said. "We're stuck here for two hours."

They wandered through the hallways, randomly checking doors to classrooms and closets. They were all locked--except one leading to the auditorium costume room. They sat down to rest among the costumes.

"Do you remember those rumors we used to hear when we were younger--all those strange things that happened in the plays and stuff?" Rosie said, looking around at the racks of clothes. "I'm getting goose bumps just looking at all these costumes!"

"I remember those stories! Like the girl who disappeared in the dressing room right before she went on stage as Dolly in Hello, Dolly! Or the guy who played the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz and then vanished in the middle of singing 'If I Only Had a Brain'! I think the older kids were just trying to scare us." Kirsten looked around the room. "We shouldn't just sit here. We should explore."

"Yeah, I have to get those legends out of my head." Rosie jumped up and walked around the room, looking at all the dresses and suits and various accessories. "I wonder what's in here.…" Rosie reached up and pulled down a big box from a shelf. She opened it and found it stuffed full of hats. "Ooh, Kirsten, look at these!" She put on a big floppy sun hat and suddenly she felt like she was spinning, and things started to blur. "Kirsten? Kirsten!"

Rosie opened her eyes to find herself outside in a sunny countryside. "Where am I? Kirsten, are you--" Rosie closed her mouth and opened it again. Did she just speak in a Southern accent? She looked around and saw cotton fields all around her and barns in the distance.

"Rosie!" someone cried in a strong Southern drawl. Rosie whirled to see Kirsten standing a few feet away wearing a large straw hat with a big red flower in it. "Wow, did you hear my voice?"

"Mine's like that, too. How did y'all get here?"

"I came over to look at the box of hats, and you put yours on and simply disappeared. So of course I grabbed a similar one and put it on, and here I am."

"This is so weird!" Rosie said, noticing their old-fashioned gingham dresses and big white aprons. "Did we go back in time?"

"Oh my goodness, maybe those old stories are true!" Kirsten said. At that moment, a gust of wind swept off Rosie's hat and she was gone. "I'm all alone again!" Kirsten said, annoyed. She threw off her hat, and in a moment, she was back with Rosie at school.

"That was so strange!" Rosie said, looking down at the box of hats. "Let's see if these other hats do something. But we should always wear the same types of hats, so we go to the same place."

"OK." Kirsten picked out a silver cloche and Rosie picked a gold one.

Rosie and Kirsten found themselves in a stuffy, smoky room crowded with dancing people. The two of them were dancing to the loud, old-fashioned music, too, even though they didn't know the dance step at all. They wore silky, fringy dresses and lots of necklaces that jumped up and down as they danced. They managed to stop and get out of the crowd.

"This looks just like the pictures from that display we knocked down," Rosie whispered to Kirsten as they sat down at a small table. "That must mean we're in the roaring twenties, right?"

"Hey! You kids can't be in here! How'd you get in, huh?" A large man with slicked-back hair loomed over them.

"Oh, sorry! We were just leaving!" Rosie said quickly. They stood up, looking for a way out of the room, but the man stopped them.

"Not so fast. I don't want you spilling to your mothers about this place."

"Quick, Rosie. The hats!" Kirsten said, pulling hers off.

Instantly, they were back in the costume room. "That was exciting!" said Kirsten, sitting down against the box.

"I know! What other hats are there? Oooh, let's wear these!" Rosie picked out a white hat, covered in lace and ribbons. Kirsten picked one in black and off they went…

They arrived on a cobblestone street with buildings all around. A carriage stood in front of them with a short, skinny driver and a tall, dark horse.

"Miss Rosie! Miss Kirsten! You'll be late for your appointment!" the driver said.

"Um, all right, we're coming," said Rosie, and laughed when she heard that her accent was English, like the driver's.

Rosie and Kirsten stepped into the carriage, which rushed through the streets. They admired the gorgeous gowns they wore, the spotless white gloves, and the elegant shoes. Then they realized where they were heading--Buckingham Palace!

"Are we meeting the queen?" Rosie asked.

"Of course. Did you forget the appointment to have tea with her?" the driver asked as the carriage arrived at the palace gate.

"No, of course not."

The driver helped Rosie and Kirsten out of the carriage, then stepped back into his seat and grabbed the reins. "Shall I return in an hour or so?"

"Yes, thank you," Kirsten answered, and she and Rosie waved goodbye. The two of them turned toward the entrance, where a tall man in uniform ushered them in. As they walked through an elaborately-furnished hall, Kirsten and Rosie were struck by the grandeur of everything around them. "Can you believe it? We're about to meet the Queen of England! This is like a dream!" Kirsten whispered.

"I hope I don't make any mistakes--can you imagine the embarrassment?" Rosie said, trying to remember all the etiquette her parents had taught her.

They entered a high-ceilinged room with tall windows and walls lined with elegant portraits. Right in front of them was the queen herself, sitting on a chaise wearing a beautiful azure-colored gown and several strands of pearls around her neck. A table in front of her was piled with miniature cakes, cookies and tea in fine china.

Rosie and Kirsten stared at the scene for a full minute before realizing they must look silly. The queen looked at them expectantly, as did the various servants around the room.

Rosie nudged Kirsten. "Maybe we should curtsy," Kirsten suggested as quietly as she could, and the two of them gave their best curtsies, taking care to keep their hats on.

"Good afternoon, ladies," the queen said, and gestured to the chairs. "Please do sit down."

"Good afternoon, your Majesty," the girls said nervously, and each sat down. A maid came over and poured the hot tea without spilling a drop. Then she asked the girls for their hats and gloves. Rosie and Kirsten exchanged worried looks. They knew what would happen if they took off their hats, but they really wanted to stay--how could they pass up tea with the queen?

Slowly, Rosie pulled off her gloves, and Kirsten did the same, handing them to the maid. "Would you mind if I keep my hat on? I'm having a bit of a bad hair-" Kirsten stopped abruptly when she saw the look of horror pass across the queen's freshly-powdered face. She hurriedly took off the hat and arrived instantly back at the school. Several seconds later, Rosie was back as well.

"How annoying!" Rosie said, carefully placing her hat in the box. "I really wanted to stay!"

"Me, too." Kirsten looked at her watch. "Oh my gosh--it's been over two hours. My mom will be here by now. Do you want to come back tomorrow? We could tell our moms we have to help again with the library!"

"Yes!" Rosie pushed the hat box back onto the shelf and hurried out of the costume room. "I'm sure we'll figure out a way to keep our hats on next time!"

By Isabel Bird, New Moon, Nov/Dec2006

Drum and Dance

Koda had traveled the steppes long enough to predict what welcome a town would grant him. As the donkeys hauled his wagon over a hill crest, he pushed back his burnoose and assessed the settlement below. Roofs of brushwood and clay were just visible over the encircling mud-brick wall, everything dusted with creamy petals blown from tall acacia trees. Stout date palms flanked the southern wall, pasture the northern. The distance-muted hum of a marketplace boded well.

But the shouts of folk driving their goats toward pasture were sharp and mean. The town's gates were open but a smidgen and guarded by three men whose black sashes and burnooses marked them as fighters of high regard. There were also their curved swords to consider. Already the warriors had noticed Koda and his ornately canopied wagon. Their steady regard made his nerves itch.

"What's there?" Seesha called from the wagon's confines.

Koda scowled and scratched his graying beard. "Naught but a place we'd be paid best to pass by, girl."

"I'll decide that, you grumpy old goat."

"Neither old nor goat," he countered. "Grumpy I confess, naming you the cause."

The flaps behind the wagon bench parted, and Seesha peered out. A mere sliver of black hair showed between her smooth brow and head scarf, but her face was bared to the world. When Koda clicked his tongue, she grimaced, but lifted a veil to cover nose and mouth.

Koda dabbed his sweaty temples as a fourth warrior joined the three at the gate. "Quickly, Seesha. I prefer my blood remain within my skin."

"A little look is all I need."

Then she closed her eyes as she drew a long, slow breath. The next breath was sharp and quick, and when she opened her eyes, only thin circles of sienna brown ringed her pupils.

"We must perform here," she murmured.

"No."

"We will profit."

"And if they'll not grant us entry?"

"Has such happened once since I joined you?"

Koda grunted rather than say nay. "Joined, says she. Commands my life, more like."

"You're ruled by naught but your purse and your drums, which is why you listen to me." She smiled before ducking back into the wagon. "I'll be dressed by the time we reach the gates."

"You showed your face, and you're not even dressed?"

"Don't you ever tire of being proper?"

"No!"

She chuckled. "Perchance that's the reason you're a grump."

Koda rolled his shoulders to ease the tension, then tapped the reins. The donkeys trudged willingly toward town, no doubt anticipating cool water and clean lodging. Koda's expectations were equally mundane, simply because he chose them to be so.

Three months of performing with Seesha had planted two certainties in his life. When the performance ended, his basket would be heavy with coin. And before they left the next morn, someone was likely to have met with trouble. Seesha thought the coincidence beneath consideration, and Koala would of course agree were it not for the casual superstition most folk shared: if two events occurred together, one must have caused the other. So he and Seesha traveled, and traveled far. Only twice in his life had he been so near the western desert.

True to her word, Seesha whispered her readiness as they neared town, but a warrior raised a stiff hand to order a halt before the wagon was within a stone's throw of the gates. Ruts veered off into the dry grass, indication of how many visitors had failed to pass these men. Koda affected his most affable smile--one that had served him well for more years than Seesha had been alive, he'd have her know--and bowed his head.

"Your business," the man demanded.

"Drums and dancing, good sir, no more and no less."

He cocked an eyebrow. "If you be the dancer, good elder, pray move on to more desperate towns."

Koda kept his grin untouched by their guffaws. "I drum. My daughter dances."

"Daughter, eh? One you sired, or bought for the purpose?"

"Good sir, have a care!" he said with the proper touch of indignation. "Gods forbid her mother's soul hear such infamy."

He snorted. "Let's see this … 'daughter.'"

Koda called for Seesha, tense despite her confidence. No one ever believed the lie when he spoke it, but once Seesha came into their presence …

First her hand--palm up, fingers slightly curled in invitation--slid between the canopy flaps. Then she turned her wrist precisely that same way as she had at every town, and waited for Koda to clasp her fingers. Slowly, slowly, she let him draw her from seclusion.

Her head scarf and veil of silver-shot blue hid her face, yet intensified the allure of her eyes. Layers of filmy turquoise silk draped from head to wrists and ankles, clung to legs and arms, reminiscent of distant seas lapping against sifting shores. Tiny bells strung low around her hips chimed--exquisite wine trickling into empty goblets. The warriors stared with veneration that never once slid into vulgarity.

"I am his daughter," she said, and even Koda almost believed her.

The warrior recovered his wits with admirable dispatch and gave a firm nod. "Be welcome to Mengásan, please. We shall receive your performance with cheer."

"Thank you, good sir," Koda said and motioned for Seesha to sit beside him. Displaying her like goods for sale jittered his nerves. He waited until the wagon had rolled through the gates to grumble, "You'll see me slain one day, girl. Why no man has yet offered me coin for your virtue--"

"Because most men are decent," she murmured, gaze properly downcast. "Once reminded, most men behave accordingly."

Koda turned his scowl into a smile when he noticed the curious glances from future patrons on the streets. "And the women?" he mumbled.

She slid him a mischievous glance. "We are not so different, Father Trust to it."

By nightfall, Mengásan's marketplace had been transformed into a theater. Braces of torches ringed the square, arranged to cast light and shadow as Koda wished. The canopied wagon, draped with great lengths of black cloth, would be Seesha's backdrop. Flats were pulled from beneath the wagon and laid atop the raised well to serve as Seesha's stage. Koda ran his hands over their flawless black finish. He'd balked at the expense, but Seesha had insisted, and now he was glad for it. When she danced in blue silks, she was the silver moon against the night sky. When she wore white, she was the stars. Or so he had been told.

Men gathered in the square, lounging on mats and cushions, drinking and eating and chatting. The few women in the crowd sat isolated among the men, faces and eyes obscured by heavy veils. Koda noted the locked bracelets on their wrists, the absence of women without such tokens of ownership, and sucked his teeth. Mengásan was proving too strict for his tastes. Despite the incense he'd cast in braziers near the stage, the smell of burnt flesh still greased the air. A blessing it was that custom had required Seesha to remain in the wagon all day. Tomorrow he would demand they head eastward.

When he felt certain the crowd had reached its height, Koda made his obligatory pray-patience-we'll-soon-begin oration. A smattering of impatient cheers chased him to the wagon to fetch his drums. He could already feel the smooth embossed face of silver coin between his fingers.

But when he stepped inside the lamp-lit wagon, his fingertips went numb. Seesha sat on the narrow floor between their bunks, huddled within a coarse brown dressing robe, knees drawn to her chin. The kohl she'd used to outline her eyes made them look unnaturally wide. Tears had drawn black streaks down her cheeks.

"Seesha? Child, are you ill?"

"The smell," she whispered. "Once you know what it is, you can never forget."

Koda crouched in front of her, trying to seem uninterested in the restless crowd. "A funeral pyre is all."

"I heard screams. Horrible screams."

"His widow," he mumbled, hoping that would suffice.

She wiped her eyes, smearing kohl across her cheeks. "Are the stories of the West true? Did the widow die today?"

"She did so. Willingly."

"Had she not, would they have forced her onto the pyre? Alive?"

"Seesha …"

"Please, Koda." Her hands gripped his arm with surprising strength. "I cannot dance unless I know the truth."

Koda lifted his gaze, felt her ragged breath against his face. Never before had he glimpsed fragility dwelling beneath her poise. "Yes, Seesha. It is the common custom here."

A squint of anger replaced the fear in her eyes as she pushed to her feet. Her heavy robe snapped the air when she made a sharp spin. Then she stopped, arms crossed, hands cupping her elbows. The bells around her wrists jangled with harsh finality.

"Then I will dance."

Koda pushed to his feet, wary of her changeable mood. She reminded him of a cobra set to strike the moment her charmer's attention wandered. "You're certain?"

"Most."

"Your clothes and … cosmetics …"

The intensity of her glare dimmed in a blink, and she broke her pose to glance at the mirror propped on a shelf. With a breathy laugh, she took up a cloth and cleaned her cheeks.

"But a moment, and I'll have them fixed. A moment more, I'll be dressed. Go caress your drums awhile."

"The veil, Seesha. Do not forget."

"That would be an unwise oversight here, yes?"

"Yes." Then he put on his most stern expression and announced, "We head east tomorrow, whether you like it or nay."

She stared at her reflection. "That … might be best."

He held his breath, waiting for the "however." When none came, he set about pulling his drums from beneath the bunks. The largest was Thunder; the smallest was Child. The three of middle size, from which he could coax any medley depending upon where he struck the hide, were Battle, Love, and Dream. With Thunder on his back, Love and Battle clasped to his chest, Dream and Child tucked under his arm, he headed from the wagon.

"Koda," Seesha called before he made his escape. She had relined one eye in thick black and held the kohi brush beneath the other. "What happens if there is no body?"

"No body?"

"Surely a wife wouldn't be deemed a widow if there were no proof of her husband's death."

A few calls from the crowd snagged his attention. Too much longer and hostility would taint the night. "Can we discuss custom later?"

She pressed her lips together, then smiled at him in the mirror. "Worry not of the crowd. I'll dance long for them tonight."

He bustled to the stool beside the stage and sat, his turmoil silenced by the audience's presence and the ritual of arranging his drums. He snugged Love between his thighs, brought her to life by thrumming thumb and little finger on opposite sides of the rim. The smaller Child he placed in front of her, made him giggle with a flick of four fingers. Battle and Dream rose outside the embrace of his knees, one on either side of Child. Both received a soft rap with the heel of his leathery hands to rouse their fickle penchants--Battle's changeless intensity and unpredictable volume, Dream's steady power and intemperate tone. Then he set Thunder in place, where Child separated him from Love. He slid his fingers along Thunder's thick rim, not yet ready to call forth the deepest resonance.

Koda drank from the crowd's intrigue, let it saturate his senses as he shushed his hands over the hides. He timed the shushes to slide between snippets of conversation, adding tender taps as voices diminished, seeking the rhythm unique to this gathering. Seesha alone understood his enigmatic quest, professed she did much the same when she danced, and their earnings attested to how well their instincts harmonized.

He had it now--the heartbeat that pulsed in unison with his listeners--and began slipping into the trance that had made his life worth living since he first touched a drum. Thrice more he called the rhythm from the hides, imprinting it in his hands and Seesha's ears, and stopped.

Silence. Success.

He stretched his arms above Thunder, then brought down his fists with a monsoon's strength. Seesha spun from darkness like a writhing blaze, her brass finger cymbals chattering. The pose she struck--made deadly by the blood-red veil pulled tight across her nose and mouth--was more like a swordsman than a dancer. Never before had he seen her perform in red.

In the expectant hush, Seesha tapped out Koda's rhythm with the heel and ball of one bare foot, the rest of her so still that not a single bell of her costume sounded. Koda struck Thunder again, Seesha began to dance, and the trance engulfed him. He saw nothing but his hands and the drums, heard nothing but the harmony of Seesha's dance, knew nothing but the life they created together.

Though Seesha often rehearsed in his presence, he'd only once watched her perform. That evening had convinced him that her talent could render the gods breathless. The tilt of her head had reminded him of his departed wife; the stretch of her arms betokened the mother he wished he had known. The turn of her knee told of journeys that ended in homecoming; the curl of her hands bestowed riches beyond imagining. When Seesha had sought him out to propose they work together, her entreaty had been needless. He would have begged her.

But he couldn't watch her dance while he drummed, for the drums demanded all. So he layered memories of that first performance atop the present. In his mind's eye, Seesha became a sinuous flame against a sea of obsidian. His sole link to her was the bright tink of her finger cymbals, signaling when she wished to vary the pace.

This night she demanded speed, urging him faster and faster until he attacked the drums with rage. Just as quickly she begged him to slow until the rhythm became a series of disconnected beats interspersed with the trickle of her bells. Then rage again, pushing his hands into a blur that neglected Love and Child, forcing impulsive Battle to clash with volatile Dream, demanding Thunder embrace the mortal world.

At long, long last, her cymbals clanged a double cadence of threes. Koda pulled reluctantly from his trance and transitioned into the standard meter with which they always ended. He lifted his head as he drummed the final beats, in time to see Seesha slide to the stage floor, one leg folded back and the other forward. Hands overhead, she rang the cymbals a last time, then lowered her head to her knee. Her arms made a graceful arc behind her back before settling at her sides. The silks rippled a moment longer--then all was at rest.

No applause, no cheers, no pleas for one more twirl. Silent, the crowd stared at Seesha as her back rose and fell with panting breaths. Koda's hand shook when he wiped sweat from his face. Only then did he notice the ache spreading from wrists to shoulders to back, the painful tingling of his palms. Drumbeats echoed in his ears. How long had he drummed this night? How long had she danced?

Cautious sound returned to the square--reverent whispers to augment the spell rather than fracture it. Koda lumbered to his feet and brushed his fingers over Seesha's head scarf. Heat pulsed through the silk.

"Rest," she whispered. "I need rest."

He stayed with her as the clink of metal began. Man after man granted approval by dropping coins in the discreet basket near the stage. Each gave Koda a nod of respect and Seesha a glance of longing. Usually Koda smiled and truckled in gratitude. Tonight he did nothing. A touch of the gods yet lingered in the air, held captive by Seesha's immobile form.

One man stood apart from the rest, staring at Seesha from beneath lowered brows, ignoring the woman behind him. Koda rested his hand on Seesha's shoulder as fingers of fear tickled his gut. When the man stalked into the darkness, his woman shuffling behind, Koda released the breath he'd held. Perchance he and Seesha would leave tonight.

"Worry not about Bolo, drum master."

Koda turned to the speaker--the warrior who had granted them entry to Mengásan. He'd pushed back his burnoose to reveal a face aged by sun and wind rather than years.

"A spiteful man, Bolo," the man continued. "No doubt scheming ways to stem your daughter."

Koda snorted. "And you tell me to worry not?"

"I'll not see it happen, drummer." He touched a single finger to the hem of Seesha's scarf. "No guest of Mengásan comes to harm while I watch."

The warrior departed, not noticing Seesha flinch. But Koda saw it and stroked her head. Gone was the flame, the fighter. She was a fallen butterfly, too exhausted to flutter her wings.

Koda remained with her until the square emptied of all but the promised protection--a pair of warriors who leaned against shadowed doorways. When he roused Seesha, she merely slitted her eyelids before falling limp into his embrace. He gathered her in his sore arms and carried her into the wagon.

"Koda," she mumbled when he lay her on the bunk. "We're not so different."

"Sleep, Seesha. You're safe."

She let out a tremulous breath and didn't stir when he settled a blanket over her silk-clad body. He drew the curtains closed around her bunk, as was proper, then fetched his drums. By the time he had them cleaned and stored, he felt every bit the old goat Seesha teased him of being. The warriors took pity on him when he struggled with the flats, offering their help with kind deference. Koda bowed to their strength and let them quietly prop the flats against the wagon lest they waken Seesha by sliding them underneath. No sooner had a tarp been settled over them than quick footsteps slapped toward the square.

"Fear not, drummer," a warrior said. "He's alone."

But Koda did fear. He and Seesha had woven a zephyr of mystique this night, and if a man such as Bolo were denied what he desired, he'd ensure all men were denied the treasure. Adoration could too easily become sacrilege.

"Go home, Bolo," the warrior said. "There's naught here that's yours."

Bolo entered the moonlit square, squinting at the armed men, at the wagon, and at Koda pressed against the flats. He adjusted the pack slung over his shoulder and jutted his chin. "Have I lost the right to stroll the streets?"

"Not so long as it's home you're strolling to."

"I've a journey to take." He scratched his chin with the back of his hand. "One I should have taken long since."

"And you must leave tonight?" The warrior tossed a wink to his fellow when Bolo nodded. "Then I'll see you out the gates without delay, good Bolo."

Bolo gave a stiff shrug. "Suits me fine."

One warrior remained behind as the other strode at Bolo's back. Bolo cast glances over his shoulder until a turn in the street took him out of sight. Koda couldn't tell if the looks were for the warrior or for him.

"No loss there," the warrior mumbled. "I'll lay bets his wife be weeping with relief to have him gone awhile."

Koda thought of Seesha, and of the superstitions of others. "Is it not strange he'd want to leave now?"

The man grimaced. "Bolo has always been strange. Years he's spent claiming he glimpsed treasure in a cavern east of here. Only mutters it when he's drunk, so we figure he saw it in the same state. Probably had a cup too many tonight and reasons now to find his fortune." He chuckled and hooked his thumbs in his sash. "Either or neither, you're safe enough tonight. No one will open the gates for Bolo before dawn."

Koda bid the man fair night and hauled his aching bones into the wagon. He collapsed on his bunk and drew the curtains, but exhaustion did not take his thoughts. He remembered the murderer who'd been discovered after Koda and Seesha's first performance together. Then there had been the mother who gave up her children, along with a confession she'd been beating them. Then the man who'd cast himself from the rooftop for reasons no one knew.

But Seesha knew.

Koda shivered. He had no reason to believe such a thing. And even if she'd known, what could the woman possibly do about it, shut up in the wagon for all but the time she danced?

What if there is no body?

Koda stared wide-eyed at the flimsy curtains separating him from Seesha. He swallowed hard, then drew the barrier back just enough to see the curtains of her bunk. "Seesha?"

"H'm?"

That she answered so quickly, as if she'd been waiting, chilled him. "What do you do, Seesha?"

"That's a silly question, old goat."

"One deserving an answer," he whispered.

There was a long silence, then she lifted the curtain's edge. The veil had fallen from her face, revealing full lips curved into a faint smile. "I dance, Koda."

"And?"

"Must there be more than that?"

"Is my music nothing but the drum?"

Her smile faded as she studied him. "We do not perform, you and I. We create. Longings and desires, hatreds and fears--what our watchers dare not admit. They peer at those unlived lives, shudder and sigh, and are content to escape them with applause. But sometimes …" She lowered her gaze. "Sometimes they deserve to be locked in with their terrors, given no respite from memory, and left to find whatever escape they can."

Suicide, confession … or a fleeing in the middle of the night. Koda held his breath.

"It is not always," she continued, "an honorable deed. But there is power in every creation, and I shall not let it go to waste."

"Bolo," he said on a breath. "The man has left Mengásan."

She grimaced. "He was too bitter and hateful already. He had to be bribed instead."

Dreamed-of treasures in an unknown cave.

Koda waited. She offered nothing more. But he couldn't look away. "Why did you choose me?"

The smile returned, gentle and kind. "Because you're a better man than you know, drum master, and because you never watch while you drum." She let the curtain fall back in place. "I'm tired, Koda. Tonight's dance was … complicated."

He held the curtain until his sore hand trembled. As the fabric rustled into place, he tucked his arms against his chest and tried not to consider the musings at the rim of his thoughts. When sleep finally took him, he dreamed of Seesha dancing on a cliff while enemies from his past jumped over the edge and shrieked all the way down to the rocks.

Seesha sat on the wagon bench as Koda put the donkeys in their traces. She wore no silks this morning, but loose layers of dull, brown linen. Her head scarf was wrapped low across her brow, the veil tucked high beneath her eyes. Even her bearing bore little resemblance to the apparition that had graced Mengásan last night. Koda was glad for it. The comments he overheard were of costumes and drums--not of a dancer and her enchantment--and how darkness made the homely more appealing.

"East," Seesha whispered as he settled on the bench beside her.

"Yes, daughter. East."

As the wagon left town, Koda managed a jaunty farewell for the warriors but didn't make his usual promise to return in good time. Mengásan was too strict for his liking, too revealing of things he didn't wish to know. He wanted to shake its dust from his sandals and leave his absurd suspicions in the dirt. Seesha was a remarkable dancer. He was her adept drummer. No more. No less.

In silence they rolled along the dusty road. Seesha's gaze was never still, searching the rocky grasslands and ridges. When he spoke his intention to stop for a meal, his voice more gruff than he intended, she shook her head.

"Not yet," she said. "We must not stop so soon."

"I want away from here as much as you," he snapped, "but not so much as to kill the donkeys with my haste."

Her hand clenched the bench between them. "If you find no reason for haste by nightfall, you may beat me for insolence."

"Beat you?" The notion shocked Koda from his seat and back down with a thump. "I've never raised a finger at you!"

"Why so indignant? Is it not the custom?"

"Not mine."

She looked away. "It was Bolo's."

"And just how would you know that?"

"Do you never wonder what the veil hides?"

Koda paused. Before he could answer, she spoke again.

"Oftimes, nothing but a face. But sometimes there is sadness. Fear. Anger. And when it finds me--" She sighed deeply, her deft fingers loosing the veil from her face. She looked at him with all the boldness and bravery of a man. "You asked me what I do, Koda. I feel. I feel their fears, no matter what I do, and they come to me. I hear their troubles and I make them real inside me. And then I dance to make it end."

Koda felt his lips working to form words, then pressed them together to stop their flapping. "You spoke with no one in Mengásan."

Her lashes fluttered, and tears slipped from her eyes. "You think so, because we're invisible unless we tempt you or anger you."

Scowling, he looked away from her naked face. Foolish talk would get them both killed. "Go inside. Don't speak to me."

Seesha sighed again, shorter than before, and replaced her veil. He tensed to think she'd choose now to challenge him, but after a final survey of the landscape, she climbed over the bench and ducked between the flaps. Koda wriggled his shoulders to rid himself of the tension. He hadn't noticed the lingering ache from last night's drumming until now.

The donkeys strained to pull the wagon uphill, and Koda resolved to rest them at the summit. But as they crested the hill, he spotted a trio of buzzards alongside the road below and urged the donkeys onward. Stopping at the bottom, he stared at the horizon rather than the buzzards' prize.

"Stay there," he said over his shoulder when Seesha called out. Then he climbed from the wagon, refusing to admit he knew what he'd find.

The buzzards hissed and squawked as he neared the corpse. They'd already feasted on the face. The only way Koda recognized Bolo was by the pack still clutched in one beak-torn hand. From the way the limbs were bent, in places where there were no joints, Koda guessed the man had lost his footing at the crest and tumbled unchecked all the way to the bottom.

What if there is no body?

Koda planted his fists on his hips and looked westward, past the wagon. Mengásan had long since slipped below the horizon. No doubt it would be days before anyone wondered about Bolo, days more before anyone mustered enough concern to search. By then the corpse would be bones on the way to bleaching. But there was a risk that someone would put a name to the bones, and a widow would be linked to that name.…

Seesha whispered his name when he opened the back of the wagon and stepped inside. He didn't answer, didn't even look at her. Instead, he pawed through the gear stored above the bunks until he found the spade. His muscles had forgotten the strain of drumming.

The earth was not easy to break but at last gave way to Koda's resolve. The buzzards threatened and complained but leaped from the corpse when Koda swung the spade at them. He rolled Bolo into the hole, made swift work of covering him, then smoothed and scattered the dirt and rocks. It wouldn't take long for the dark earth to dry into obscurity.

"Koda"

Seesha's voice was soft and firm, longing and distant. He didn't open his eyes until he'd turned, until he knew she'd be the first thing he saw. Silent, he reached for her veil and tugged it loose, casting the end over her shoulder. Her cheek was smooth against his callused palm. The touch reminded him of Dream--the drum changeable in tone but faithful in strength, the drum that gave the smoothest resonance when he ceased to force the cadence.

"Tell me," he said softly. "Where must we go from here?"

She turned away from his touch and lifted her face to the wind. "East. For now."

He nodded his agreement, then put the shovel away. When Seesha hesitated, he clicked his tongue and led her to the wagon bench. With an enigma seated beside him, where she belonged, Koda tapped the reins. East was indeed the best course. True, the coins there would be more copper than silver, unless … "Do you sing as well as you dance, girl?"

She smiled. "Only for my enemies."

"Ah. Never mind."

When she laughed, the timbre was Child.

By Blair MacGregor, Cicada, Nov/Dec2006

KINDERSCENEN

Windows frame pictures of the world outside. A window along the side porch shows the painted porch boards and the curved backs of the wicker furniture and, beyond the porch edge, the bricks of the walk where it broadens beneath the grape arbor and the boards and posts of the arbor and the ragged gaps of sunlight and scenery between the broad grape leaves. Ants make mounds like coffee grounds between the bricks, and the grapevines attach themselves to the arbor with fine pale-green tendrils that spell letters of a sort: these are things Toby knows from being outside and looking. What he does not know and never thinks to ask is who built the arbor, whose idea was it, his grandparents' or that of the people who owned the house before him. He will never think to ask; he will never know. What he does know is how Daddy's cigarette looks in the evening when, sitting on a wicker chair with the other grown-ups softly talking in a row, he flips it away, its red star tracing lopsided loops before shattering into sparks on the bricks. The grapes make a mess on the bricks in the fall; nobody ever thinks to pick them. The panes in the window have bubbles in them, like hollow teardrops, that warp the edges of things when the boy slightly shifts his head, a little like the way that bad boys hold a magnifying glass above an ant until it stops moving and shrivels up, with a snap Toby can almost hear.

The thin glass divides the world outside, which is ordinary, from inside the house, where something is out of the ordinary and feels sad and wrong. The adult assumption that the town is an ordinary one, just like many another, is in the air, along with fireflies in summer and snowflakes in winter. Toby sees nothing ordinary about it. It is a tiny piece of the world but the piece nearest him. In his heart he knows that it is the best town in the world, and he the most important person, though he would never say that to the grown-ups around him. There are four--Mother, Daddy, Grandfather, and Grandmother--the same way the house has four sides.

On the side that has the porch and the grape arbor on it, toward the alley that goes along beyond the hedge, where bigger boys walk along talking loudly and rudely on their way to the school grounds and the baseball field, there is a large complicated territory crowded with bushes and flower beds. Toby's mother and grandmother preside above this fancy area, a showplace maintained for the neighbors as they walk by, in case they look in over the hedge. The bushes need to be clipped and to have their lower branches held up while Mother, red-faced as if angry, pushes the lawn mower with its noisy scissoring underneath to get at the grass growing secretly there. She calls this job "holding up the bushes' skirts," which has a naughty sound to it that nevertheless doesn't make it fun. She makes Toby do it, calling him outdoors from his toys and his Big Little Books and his pretending things to himself. The stiff branches poke his arms and face and some have little thorns that scratch, it seems on purpose. If he isn't careful he could lose an eye. His mother doesn't care about that. She is always working in the garden in pants with dirt-stained knees, but he likes her best when she dresses up to go to the city, in blue skirt and coat and a little hat tilted on her head, walking down not the alley but the street at the front of the house, through the thick shade of its horse-chestnut trees, to the avenue to catch the trolley car.

Across the alley is the vacant lot where the bigger children in summer have noisy games, with a lot of shouting and tumbling down into grass so tall it goes to seed at the top and at the bottom never loses the dampness of dew. Beyond this shaggy lot, houses stretch one after the other to a farm where the pigpen smells terrible. Some of the houses are tucked back from the sidewalk, like Toby's own, "out of harm's way," as Grandfather likes to say, twiddling his cigar on the sofa and putting on that foxy sly look that irritates Mother. She says he should smoke his cigars only outdoors. But it is his house. He and Grandmother own it. Mother and Daddy and Toby moved in when Daddy lost his job and have stayed even though he got another job. Most of the houses along the street have only a little piece of grass in front of their porches, and many are really two houses, with two different house numbers and shades of paint, joined in the middle, so each has windows only on three sides, unlike the long white house Toby lives in.

The other side yard is toward the Eichelbergers, an elderly couple of which Mr. always wears a creased gray hat and Mrs. has a goiter hanging under her chin. Toby is afraid of the narrow gloomy yard in their direction and hates even to see it out of a window. Mr. and Mrs. Eichelberger always seem to be creeping about together, murmuring together, poking at things. Mother says their tragedy is they never had any children. Toby is an only child and so is his mother, so he escaped into life by the narrowest of chances.

People call his house white but in fact it is yellowy--"cream," he has heard his mother say. Cream, with green wooden trim, including the windows. In crayoning at elementary school a picture of the house where he lives, he discovered that green and yellow go together in a way some colors don't. Black and orange also go together, as at Halloween, and purple and gold at Easter, and red and green at Christmas. Red, white, and blue together in the American flag are like three notes on a brass trumpet. Discovering such harmonies excites him, more than it does other children.

His playmates, when he has them, come to him through the side yard toward the alley, by the little brick walk leading in past the pansy bed from the gap in the hedge. The gap used to have a heavy green-painted gate that creaked and clanged until eventually Grandfather gave it to the scrap drive for the war. It was rotten with rust anyway, he said, and he was sick of painting it. Betty Lou Polyak, who is a year ahead of Toby at school and tall for her age in any case, peeks in at the gap to see if he is in the yard or on the porch, so she doesn't have to knock on the side door and face Grandmother in the kitchen. Grandmother makes her feel unwelcome.

Mother once commented humorously on this peeking habit of Betty Lou's. To amuse her further, Toby made a little card from stiff paper like a comical birthday card with a movable insert of Betty Lou's long neck and little face poking in and out of a slot at the edge of the hedge, which he cut carefully to show the leafy roughness. He showed it to Mother, but she didn't smile and asked him if he wasn't being unkind.

Unkind. It is true, Betty Lou is the best friend he has. The only friend, in a way. She follows all his suggestions for games and activities. Sometimes on the side porch they turn the wicker chairs upside down and pretend they are caves in which they are hiding from Indians or bandits. Or they cut out and color paper apples and pears and bananas and set them up in an empty orange crate to sell to imaginary customers.

Betty Lou likes his back yard, its lush lawn and abundance of trees compared with her own. Hers is beaten bare of grass by all her family and has a cross dog tied at the lower end. The dog terrifies Toby, having lunged at him once, his snarl showing horrible blue gums. He tries never to play at the Polyak house, which is small inside and doesn't have much plumbing. Mrs. Polyak gives Betty Lou a bath by standing her naked on a chair in the kitchen and wiping her all over with a washcloth wet in a soapy basin. Toby knows this because he once peeked though the crack where the kitchen door didn't close completely, until Mrs. Polyak announced out loud that he wasn't being very nice. How had she seen him peeking? Girls, he glimpsed, had bottoms like he did but in front there was something different, hardly anything, a little dent.

For some reason there are no boys near his age in the neighborhood, on his side of the street, which should be crossed without a grown-up only at a traffic light far away, at the avenue. A kind of tough boy, Warren Frye, in Betty Lou's grade at school, lives in the other direction, down the alley, where it turns along the school grounds and becomes a street, with a row of houses. He comes to the house from the lower end, past the chicken house beside the vegetable garden. Grandmother doesn't like him either. She doesn't care for his "people." She has known the Fryes since she herself was a child, way before Toby was born. He doesn't like to think about that strange blank period of time when he must have been someplace that he can't remember.

One day when Warren and Toby were wrestling on the linoleum kitchen floor, fighting because Warren had been treating Toby's toys too roughly and then teasing Toby for being too fussy about it, Toby sneakily tripped him so his head went into the radiator spines and bled as if he might die. Grandmother made a nice tidy bandage for him out of a dust rag and sent him home still bleeding, and though Warren came back the next day already pretty much healed he never did return the dust rag. To hear Grandmother tell it, there had never been a dust rag like it.

Grandmother doesn't like Betty Lou's people either. What she doesn't like has something to do with how many brothers and sisters Betty Lou has and with money, though from what Toby overhears in the house Grandfather doesn't have money anymore either; it was eaten up in the stock market crash. What money they live on Daddy earns being a schoolteacher and is kept in a little red-and-white tin box saying Recipes on top of the icebox. The grown-ups dip into it when they go off shopping, Grandfather to Hen Geiger's little front-room grocery store a few houses up from Betty Lou's house, with floorboards so worn the nail heads shine, and Mother and Grandmother up the hill two blocks to Pep Miller's bigger store, which has more kinds of ice cream and meat so fresh it oozes blood onto the butcher block, all crisscrossed with marks of the cleaver. Pep has a refrigerator so big he can walk into it without bending over and comes out breathing the smoke your breath makes in January. When Toby got big enough to move a kitchen chair to the icebox and stand on it, he was allowed to dip into the Recipe box too and take out a nickel for a Tastykake or a lemon-filled doughnut at Hen Geiger's on his way back to school after lunch. He loves eating while he is walking along instead of sitting down and being told to have good manners. Because there are five of them, he sits at the comer of the little kitchen table, and it pokes him in the stomach.

There is the alley, the street, and the avenue, where the trolley cars run and the elementary-school building stands on its asphalt lake. As he walks down the street toward the avenue, the houses he passes get smaller, their porches lower to the ground, without railings. Grandmother complains about "people," but it seems to Toby that these are the people his family lives among and they should make do with them. These are the people of his life.

The side yard is too crowded with bushes and flower beds to play in, except for hide-and-seek. But the back yard stretches all the way to the chicken house and the garage for the green Model A Ford in the days, when Grandfather had a car. Toby remembers the car before they sold it, sitting squeezed in the back seat between his parents. Near the fenced-in chicken yard is the burning barrel where he is allowed to hold a match to the previous day's newspaper and the other paper trash, including magazines that won't burn up unless you poke them, separating the pages. The barrel has flaps cut near the bottom because fire needs oxygen. Table scraps don't bum and go to the chickens.

Above the burning barrel, nearer the house, is the vegetable garden that Grandfather spades in the spring and where they all hoe and weed through the summer. Daddy is exempted from such farm labor, but not Toby. The weeds between the rows of lima beans and beets and carrots and kohlrabi have to be pulled and carefully laid flat, otherwise they will take root again. Until it dries, the hoed earth is the same dark damp color it was when Grandfather turned the soil in the spring. In the fall, Mother and Grandmother put up tomatoes and sliced peaches and rhubarb in Mason jars, filling the kitchen with clouds of steam. The jars are sealed with red rubber rings that are good to play indoor quoits with. Each ring has a little tab that just fits your finger.

The way the weeds lie helpless in the sun and then shrivel seems cruel to Toby, but then he didn't ask them to grow there. There is a plan and a purpose to things. At school Miss Kendall, who teaches second grade, told the class that grass was green because green was the most soothing color for the eyes. God designed it that way. If everything was red or yellow, she explained, people would go crazy with there being too much of it. The same with the sky being blue, though even so sometimes when Toby looks straight up his eyes wince as if pinched in all that blue, and if he catches the sun in his glance a circular ghost stays in his vision for minutes. God made the world to suit Mankind, Miss Kendall