Friday, September 29, 2006

Adjust to Life

By Ankur

A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all.

The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: "I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage." she offered.

"Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together."

The husband agreed, so each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists.

"I'll start," offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing" the husband replied, "keep reading your lists."

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it.

"Now, you read your list and then we'll talk about the things on both of our lists." She said happily.

Quietly the husband stated, "I don't have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don't want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn't want to try and change anything about you."

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

In life, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed. We don't really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise.

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us?

I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST WHEN we see and praise the good and try our best to forget the bad. Nobody's perfect but we can find perfect ness in them to change the way we see them.

A Candle in the Dark

By Connie Vines

CSI, Forensic Science--all modern marvels, or are they? Take a journey with Sarah English to visit the 1690's Salem Witchcraft Trials and see..

The three women seemed unaware of what was happening. Like sleep-walkers, they were helped into a wooden cart. A plank, angled from the dirt road to the cart's back, formed a ramp. Several of the men clothed in somber coats and breeches pushed the women up the temporary walkway to the floor of the vehicle. As the cart lunged forward, the women clung weakly to its sides. Their eyes were blank and expressionless. Their minds were minds were unable to grasp the meaning of the words shouted from the crowd gathered around them.

"Repeant, repent ye wicked witches. Ye shall burn with fire and brimstone!"
#
Sarah English closed her book with a snap. She had to hurry or she'd be late for dinner. But her imagination was greatly stirred by the haunting events of which she'd just read. And this was no science fiction horror story, but a history book--an account of the witchcraft trials that took place in Salem, Massachusetts, in the 1690s.

Sarah had checked out several library books, and did research online about the Salem trails after her history teacher, Mr. Alexander, had told her history class about a theory he had. It concerned the strange behavior of the women who'd been accused of witchcraft during the trials.

"Historic research and scientific evidence suggest that many of the people in Salem who were accused of witchcraft were actually poisoned by a chemical in the rye that they ate," Mr. Alexancder had said at the end of class. "Their hallucinations and strange behavior were actually caused by a poison closely related to an hallucinogenic drug you've all heard of."

Sarah ahd been born in Salem and her ancestors had helped to sesttle the town in the early 1600s, so she felt she she knew more about it than her Arizona-born history teacher. This was the wildest theory she'd ever heard--the Salem witches on drugs. No way. So she began studying her research materials, certain that she would find evidence to prove her teacher wrog.

"Sarah," her mother called from downstairs, "come and eat your supper NOW, before it gets cold!"

Gathering up several of her books, Sarah stood up, ran out of the bedroom, and rushed down the steps. "Have to hurry, Mom," she said breathlessly as she slid into her chair at the table. "I've still got to finish these chapters. I know there's something here that'll prove Mr. Alexander wrong."

"Wrong about what?" Mrs. English asked, as she placed a dish heaped with chicken and fried rice in front of her daughter.

"Oh, he's got some dumb theory about Salem and the witch trial," Sarah answered.

"Too bad you father's great-aunt Mercy's not around."

"Aunt Mercy?" Sarah asked.

"Well, that's what he calls her," Mrs. English explained. "She lived in Salem during the trials. Was almost accused of being a witch herself, I think. Your dad supposedlyl inherited her diaries when we got all of those papers from Grandpa's house last month."

"Where are they?" Sarah asked excitedly.

"In the attic, I guess," Sarah's mother replied. "Your father hasn't been through all the papers yet. Maybe he'll help you look this weekend."

Sarah started shoveling food into her mouth.

"Stop gulping your food, Sarah," her mother said in exasperation. Sarah and her projects, she thought. Whenever her daughter's mind was on something new at school, everything else took a back seat, including proper meals and eating habits.

When Sarah had finished, she picked up her books and headed back upstairs.

"Don't forget, Sarah," Mrs. English called after her, "I'm going to Timmy's Open House tonight, and your dad's going to be late, so make sure the doors are locked and don't let anyone in till we get home."

"Sure, Mom," was Sarah's distant reply from halfway up the steps.

The next hour passed quickly as she scanned the books. Still, she was unable to gather enough informatin to disprove Mr. Alexander's theory. Then an idea come to her: the family attic probably help more information in diaries and personal letters from the 1600s than did all these books. I'll look up there, she thought. And maybe, with enough luck, I'll be able to find something tonight.

As she darted up the stairs to the attic, Sarah was glad she was home alone. This way she could pick through the documents without having to worry about her younger brother's tattling. Not that she wasn't old enough to be in the attic alone. After all, Sarah was 13. But since the attic had never been wired for electricity, her parents were uneasy about her or Timmy's going up there alone.

A narrow beam of light from the moon streamed in the room through a small window. A howling, late autumn wind blew a cool draft through the air, adding to the eeriness of the place. Sarah was beginning to feel a little uneasy herself about being here, but she was determined to find Mercy Hobb's diary. She found an old candle in its holder and a box of matches on a dust-covered dest. Carefully she lit the wick, cupping her hand around the flame as she walked slowlly around the room. The flickerig light sent threatening shadows leaping around the walls, and arah remembered a childhood chant: Hark, hark, a candle in the dark. Show me the future. Show me the past. Give me the wisdom of centuries past."

Bent over the light, she searched through the drawers and cubbyholes of the attic. But she found nothing . If only I could get my hands on that diary, she thought, I'd lean all I need to know about the trials.

An hour later she gave up. Filthy and angry, Sarah sat down on the large trunk. "Where is it?" she moaned in frustration, bringing her small fist firmly down at her side and slamming it hand against the trunk. "Ouch!" she cried. "Stupid trunk." Stupid TRUNK! Suddenly her anger turned to ecstasy. And to think, she'd just been sitting right on top of the secrets. Of course she'd looked at the trunk's contents, but shes had forgotten it wasn't a modern trunk. These old trunks usually had false bottoms or hidden compartments, just like the old desk in her room. If ony she could find the triggering device.

Placing the candle near the trunk, she ran her hands lightly over the splintered wood. A shout of glee left her lips as she felt part of the trunk give way to release it long-hidden treasure. She'd found it! She had the diary!

February, 1692, the first entry read. 'Tis another gray and gloomy winter. The rye crop was meager and poor. Still Mother granted me free time to visit my friend Good Tyler.

Sarah knew that Goody was the short form of goodwife, which was a form of address for a woman of lower station in those times. And there was mention of the rye crop. Quickly scanning the entries that followed, Sarah decided that life in Salem Village had not been easy. Gaiety was regarded as irreligious and education was almost non-existent. There was also an entry about the town preacher, Mr. Parris, and his sermons that were full of fury and usually about witches.

Reading on, Sarah learned that Nurse had been cried out on by the Proctor Girl. The child said that she saw Nurse sign the Devil's great black book. So Mercy knew about the trials, Sarah realized.

Another entry: April 4, 1692. I visited Goody Tyler today. She has been ill and unable to bake. I stayed and measured her rye and baked loaves for this week. Goody's cottage is damp, as most near the swamp are, but she has stayed warm.

The next entry was made the following day: All is not well. Goody is more ill today. Moaning and ingreat pain. She is unable to stand, and cries of a great yellow bird and a cat beside me with two-heads. I ran to the inn of Samuel Ingersoll to tell of Goody's sickness and bring aide...(If I had only known my folly.)

Sarah's excitement over finding Mr. Alexander's theory correct was mixed with sorrow for the fate of Goody Tyler as she read the next entries: My heart is heavy with knowledge of unknowingly harming my friend. The magistrate charged her with witchcraft and issued a warrant for her arrest. She and several others were sent to prison in the deputy constable's cart. I could only stand helplesly and watch. The crowd paid no heed to my cries--Goody Tyler had made no contract with the devil. She is falsely accused."

The Salem witchcraft trials: Sarah already knew the outcome. By the autumn of 1692 authorities had but to death 20 persons and imprisoned more than 150. Those accused of witchcraft had to pay for their maintenance in jail, even if they were acquitted or granted a reprieve. And the families of those who were found guilty and hanged were sent a bill for the services of the executioner!

Sarah could hear the taunting of the crowd howling, "Repeant," as the menacing shapes on the wall reached toward her. Suddenly she heard her name being called in the distance, as if being chanted by spritis from another time.

A sudden gust against the house blew out the candle. Sharah froze. She could hear steps in the house. "Dad?" she called out.

No answer.

"Mom?" she creid out with a trembling voice. Then she remembered--she'd forgotten to check the doors. Why hadn't she listened to her mother?

Sarah bent down behind the trunk as the footsteps drew nearer. Up the creaking attic steps and closer to the trunk. She could hear breathing now over the sound of the wind.

A firm hand touched her shoulder as a deep voice spoke, "Sarah."

She nearly jumped into his arms.

"Sarah," her father said, "you know better than to be up her alone."

Mr. Alexander was excited over Sarah's discovery and spent most of the time in history clas the next day explaiing his theory. "My ideas are based on studies conducted by University of Maryland historian Mary Matossian," he," he said. "She studied court transcripts, climate indicators, and diaries of 1692 Salem Village witchcraft incidents. All this led to some new findings: Rye was the staple food of the villages, and rye is particularly vulnerable to a fungus growth call ergot. Matossian discovered, after examining tree-ring widths, that the growing season in New England was adnormally cold in the winters of 1690 through 1692. Cold, damp weather is the ideal condition for the growth of ergot fungus. Diaries showed that the houses closest to the marshlands and swamps--those mostly likely to have had ergot in their rye--had the most cases of suspected witches.

Mr. Alexander continued: "When the fungus is eaten, it brings on convulsions and hallucinations. Twitching of the arms and legs, spasms of the tongue and facial muscles, along
with sensations of ants crawling on the skin are all complaints of victims of ergot poisoning. The same type of behavior was attributed to the people tried for suspected 'witchcraft'."

"But you said the people in Salem were affected by a drug we've all heard of, not by some weird rye poison, " Sarah said, making on last stab at Mr. Alexander's theory.

"Well, Sarah," the teacher said, "a chemical derivative of ergot can still be found today. Its biochemical name is llysergic acid. We know it better by the name LSD."

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Sunbird

GUTHRIE LAID HIS hand on the broken lock of the shed and glanced over his shoulder. He could see the big classroom windows of the Philosophers' House and the silhouetted figures of the other lost children inside. No one looked his way. Empty playing fields stretched behind the classrooms and dormitory. In the opposite direction lay the glittering houses and shops of the City of Wind. Beyond them he saw only dilapidated windmills and the craggy Black Peaks, their upper reaches hidden in mist. Safe enough, he thought.

The lock opened with a rusty clink, and he ducked inside, careful to shut the door. He was supposed to be helping Peter, the mechanic, repair windmills this morning. Guthrie understood machinery, an unusual talent in this place, and he liked working on the 'mills. But yesterday Peter had hinted that the shed concealed something forbidden, and Guthrie's curiosity had gotten the best of him.

With a happy squeal, his small agouti friend, Zephyr, jumped down from his shoulder. She headed for a dark corner, probably searching for some other animal's stash of stored nuts.

"Hey!" he called. "Stay close, O.K.?"

"Not go far," she replied in her small, squeaky voice.

He felt honored whenever she spoke, because she never spoke to anyone but him. In the City of Wind, there were no speaking animals. Other agoutis only growled and squealed. She came from a "big dark forest far away," where many animals could speak, she said. She feared the Philosophers would capture her for experiments if they discovered her unusual ability. In fact, she had already been captured once, but escaped.

Guthrie suspected the big dark forest was the Forest of Ruins, which lay beyond the Black Peaks. Some of the other lost children said the Forest of Ruins was haunted. His teachers said mutant monsters--whose ancestors were made by the Engineers--lived there. Everyone feared the forest and seemed relieved that the Engineers were now extinct. He wasn't sure where the truth might lie, but Zephyr's caution seemed wise.

Guthrie felt for a light switch but found none. That was no surprise. It would have been wasteful. He had only lived in the City of Wind two months, but he knew the Philosophers' wastefulness lecture by heart: If the Engineers hadn't made wasteful things that polluted the air, the Great Warming would never have begun. There wouldn't be giant hurricanes or deluges, 1 or the lost children they created. Even here in the City of Wind, where energy came from windmills and waterwheels and life ! was more comfortable than elsewhere in j the Walled Lands, waste would be shameful forevermore.

But sunshine filtering through the dirty window of the shed outlined a dark, bulky shape covered with a tarpaulin, which he pulled back with care. Underneath sat a strange-looking machine. Its spidery metal frame was badly bent and muddy. He leaned close for a better look at the motor, sniffing the scent of lubricants. He ran his fingers over the beautiful fittings. No dust or cobwebs! It looked almost new. But all the machinery he'd seen in the City of Wind was old and worn out. Not even Peter, the Philosophers' best mechanic, knew enough about machines to build something like this. Where could it have come from?

An eerie feeling crept over him. Had he seen it before? Had he dreamed of it?

He reached up to feel the scar where he had hurt his head two months' earlier. The crack in his skull had healed. But the cracks in his memory remained. He knew he was eleven years old. He knew his father's hands were big, his little sister had hair like a sunny halo, and his mother's hugs were warm and soft. But he didn't know where they were or if they were still alive. He didn't even know how he had gotten hurt.

Zephyr gazed at him quizzically as he blinked and shook his head. "I... I think it's a flying machine!" he whispered. "Powered by the sun. A... a sunbird." The unfamiliar word dropped from his mouth like a foreign jewel. How did he know these things?

Zephyr hopped up onto the machine's dented cowling. "Guthrie fly," she said. "Big dark forest."

He frowned. "Fly you home to the forest to find your family--is that what you mean?"

She watched him, nose twitching. "Find yours, too."

He looked away. "Not likely."

He wasn't even sure of his own name, let alone the whereabouts of his family. He had only agreed to be called Guthrie because Zephyr whispered it in his ear the first night he met her. He'd found her curled on his bed in the Philosophers' House. And though he'd never seen her before, she rose up on her hind legs to touch his face with her paws as if she had always known him.

"It's different for you," he said now, steadying himself against the broken machine. "You can remember your home. For me… sometimes it hurts even to hope."

Gripped by a sudden fit of trembling, Zephyr dropped the walnut she carried in her paws. She opened her mouth, but only a breathy "uh-uh" came out.

Guthrie had seen this before. Speaking seemed to overwhelm Zephyr's small brain now and then. Sometimes he could guess what she was trying to say. If he got it right, the shivering would stop.

He scooped her into the crook of his arm and stroked her head. "Is it about going home?"

"Yes," she said, her voice very small. "Must hope. Want go home. Find family."

The trembling ceased, her eyes closed, and she fell asleep as if a switch had been flipped. He rubbed his cheek against her silky fur, wondering whether she'd been talking about herself or him or both.

"I'll help you find your family," he said. "I promise."

He tucked her into his backpack and sneaked out of the shed, careful to make sure no one saw him.

Later, working on the windmills, Guthrie asked Peter, "Have you heard of a flying machine that crashed around here not too long ago?"

Peter squinted at him. "Rascal! You've been in that shed."

"Nobody saw me, I promise," said Guthrie, cheeks flaming.

Peter nodded and rubbed his bushy, gray beard. "A couple of months ago, a friend of mine said he saw a machine with someone in it fly over the mountains and crash into the woods. Not long after, the Philosophers came dragging something down the woods road in the dark of night, no moon, and not even a candle to light their way. They put it in the shed."

"But why would they hide it?" asked Guthrie.

"Oh, you know Philosophers. They think machinery's the root of the world's problems. Don't want people in love with it again." He raised one eyebrow and chuckled. "Unless it's a windmill or a waterwheel, of course."

That night while the other children slept, Guthrie lay stroking Zephyr's back and thinking. Mountains sheltered the City of Wind from the worst storms. It was a safer place than most. The beds in the Philosophers' House were warm and clean. There was plenty of bread and honey, and thick stews for dinner. Paints, puzzles, and oddities from the faraway sea filled the schoolrooms. When Guthrie's troubles seemed too much to bear, Aldric the Head Philosopher sometimes invited him for tea in the library. The huge room held more books than Guthrie had ever imagined could exist, and Aldric always found at least one that made him smile. The Philosophers only seemed less than generous in one way, and that was their beliefs about the Engineers. Aldric sounded angry whenever he spoke of them. It made Guthrie feel wounded somehow, though he wasn't sure why.

Once, Guthrie climbed the library ladder to reach a book printed sixty years before his birth, when the Great Warming was still so small that only scientists believed in it. The pages held pictures of the world as it had once been, flashing with wonders the Engineers had made: cars, computers, factories, skyscrapers, and machines of every kind. Peter said Engineers invented windmills and waterwheels, the lifeblood of the City of Wind. Probably Zephyr wouldn't exist either if it hadn't been for Engineers. Even if Engineers had done some bad things, why were they alone blamed for all the world's troubles?

"Zephyr," Guthrie murmured, drowsing at the edge of sleep, "why do I hurt inside when they say the Engineers were bad?"

At the windmills the next day, Guthrie asked Peter if he would help fix the machine in the shed.

"Are you daft?" said Peter. "Suppose they caught us? If Aldric wanted that machine fixed, he wouldn't be hiding it."

"But what if we could make it fly again?" asked Guthrie. "Please?"

Peter scowled and shook his head. But by that night, the old mechanic's love of machinery had triumphed over his fears, and they were hard at work in the shed. Peter had brought a biolume lantern, and they propped a board over the window so no one outside could see its greenish light.

They soon discovered that pedals and a stick controlled The Sunbird's altitude and direction. A lever adjusted the speed of an airscrew on the nose. Thin material inlaid with gold wires covered the top wing surfaces--a mystery to Peter, but when Guthrie ran his hands over it, a dimly reflected memory glimmered in his mind.

"I must have seen this stuff before … somewhere," he said. "When the sun strikes it, it makes electricity, just like the 'mills make electricity from wind! That's what powers the motor."

Peter gasped. "Oh, if only we had more. The things we could do!"

They straightened the frame with boards and the weight of their bodies. The night became a scavenger hunt for parts, materials, and tools. They made stealthy trips to Peter's workshop nearby. Zephyr helped, too. She was good at finding small, dropped parts like bolts and washers.

As the hours wore on, Guthrie felt more and more certain that if the motor worked, he could fly The Sunbird. The controls felt familiar, as if he had dreamed of them once upon a time.

Dawn was only an hour away when they finished. "I'm for a bit of sleep," said Peter.

"Good idea," said Guthrie, pulling the tarpaulin back over their handiwork.

"Guthrie fly?" said Zephyr.

He stroked her head and held open his backpack for her. "Shhhh," he said.

Outside, Guthrie whispered, "Goodbye. And thank you!"

Peter smiled and shrugged. "A good night's work. See you soon," he said and he turned up the road toward his shop.

Guthrie made for the dormitory. But when he reached the doorstep, he didn't go in. Instead he crouched behind a bush. The road was empty. Peter was gone. Guthrie doubled back to the shed.

An hour later, as the sun rose, Guthrie pushed the doors open, leaned hard against the towrope, and pulled The Sunbird out into the road. The sun glinted on its sleek wings. In the cargo hold were biscuits and fruit from dinner, a warm cloak, a few tools, and spare parts. Zephyr sat in a basket on the seat, nose twitching.

Guthrie stole a glance at the Philosophers' House. No one seemed to be up yet, but he knew there was no time to waste.

He threw the cloak around his shoulders and leaped into the cockpit. He watched his hands with amazement as they flew over the controls like practiced birds, snapping the power switch, tugging on the accelerator knob. The airscrew disappeared, replaced by a circular shimmer. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, The Sunbird bumped down the road on its hard wheels.

He held his breath and pulled back on the stick. Almost at once the bumping stopped. He thought his heart might break his ribs. Up, up, up, over the green fields they sailed.

"We' re flying!" he cried.

Startled beyond words, Zephyr squawked.

Guthrie moved the stick gingerly to the left. The Sunbird responded, banking in a slow loop around the valley. They dropped lower as they swept toward the gray stone walls of the Philosophers' House. Peter stood in the road looking small, mouth open and arms raised.

"Come back!" he shouted.

"I will!" cried Guthrie. "Someday. I promise!"

Then they were up and away, headed toward the crags of the Black Peaks.

Clouds blanketed the mountaintops, making it hard to judge whether The Sunbird was high enough. The first cold feathers of mist swirled into the cockpit. Zephyr left her basket and climbed into Guthrie's lap. He gathered his cloak around her and tried not to tremble.

He glimpsed the ground--barren, rugged, and too close for comfort. As the clouds grew thicker, the airscrew slowed, then stopped entirely. The Sunbird's nose went down.

It happened so fast, he didn't have time to grab Zephyr or even shout. With a horrible feeling that he'd lived this scene before, he covered his eyes and waited for a crash. Two seconds passed, then three. The only sound was the whistle of wind rushing over the wings. He peeked out between his fingers just as they emerged from the clouds. The sun fell full on the wings, and the airscrew whirled again. The mountains dropped away behind them.

The world lay spread out far below. He saw the thin, sunlit line of the Seventh Wall and the jumbled roofs of Castle Rock. Far southward he spied the blue of the ocean. He could even see the crusted towers of the Isle of Teeth, tall buildings the sea had half swallowed when the Great Warming came. Directly below lay a dark green tangle--the Forest of Ruins.

A tingle ran up his spine. He had been in that forest before. He was certain of it. With sure hands, he guided The Sunbird toward a narrow strip of gray barely visible in the green carpet of trees. The wheels touched down with a bump.

In the silence of heat-bugs and bird calls, he blinked at Zephyr.

"Home!" she said.

"Yes," he whispered. All at once he knew that in the trees not far away hid a snug and comfortable house and his very own room full of books, models, and toys.

He had taken The Sunbird without asking. His father might be unhappy with him. But that seemed a small matter. He had gone to the City of Wind to rescue his friend Zephyr, and he had succeeded!

Zephyr clambered onto his shoulder and spoke in his ear. "Find my family. Find yours." Her breath smelled like nuts and oranges.

"What?" he said.

"Look!"

There they were, Engineers, not extinct at all, running toward him across the runway--a bearlike man with large hands, a beautiful woman, a little girl with a halo of hair, and more agoutis than he could count.

"Guthrie? Son!" the man shouted.

With cries of joy, he and Zephyr ran home.

By: Etchemendy, Nancy, Cricket, Sep2006

Moonlight

The clock struck twelve. Everybody was asleep. Everybody, except for me. As the chimes resonated throughout the house, I soundlessly threw back the covers and crept out of bed, not bothering to put on my shoes or throw on a jacket. I tiptoed out into the hallway, the rug muving my footsteps. Down into the kitchen, the spotless white tiles glowing eerily in the darkness, and out the back door, shutting it carefully behind me. The cool grass tickled my bare feet, dampening them with the midnight dew that glistened in the moonlight. I surveyed my surroundings.
Beyond the little yellow home where slept my family, rose the mountains, majestic as they stood, green and black, like pillars supporting the vault of blue velvet that was the sky. To the right was the cli?, falling steeply down to the beach and ocean below. The distant lapping of the waves and the soft whispering of the wind as it swept the waters filled my mind and soul, a sweet lullaby, lulling the world to sleep. The moon lit a silver path across the ocean, a roadway to the heavens. And up above it all was the night.
Moon, in all her splendor, sailed through the sky, drifting serenely with her retinue of stars, amongst the fleecy clouds, now a hazy purplish-gray in the darkness, circling in the endless orbit, which forms the core of life itself. I must have been a strange sight as I stood there, head tilted up, arms reaching to the unreachable, hair floating behind me in the cool night breeze, glowing in an unearthly light, in my blue plaid pajama pants and white tank top, feeling a part of it all. I crept back to bed, drunken with life and dreamt a dream of dreaming dreams.


By: Shraiman, Bella. Stone Soup, Sep/Oct2006

The Rich Lawyer

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Age Versus Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep-doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....... ......

Don't mess with old farts, for age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Wht is Love?

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8


"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4


"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5


"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8


"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8


"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4


"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4


"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6


"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8


And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry"


When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you.
Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it to you. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

The Wash Cloth

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the,week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking,etc.

After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Touching Story of Love

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of mpending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Nerd Season

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Moral of the Story

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.

" Very good said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
" Go on" said the teacher, intrigued.
" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
" Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, " What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?

Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's Drinking.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Because I 'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, dishes, banking, shoping, bills, take care of children, go to work - make same money as me and I'll do the rest........ ...

The Story of Quality Professional

He is working as a quality professional in one of the leading organization. Being a diligent professional, he grappled with an away of problems and put finer insight into the entire process and functioning of the company.

Come December and the problems start pouring in the top leadership of his organization, personally demanded an explanation to all the problems, along with probable solutions with no support from his colleagues he finds himself in hot soup. He accepts those problems as challenges and strikes to generate `solutions' trough various `initiatives' and programs'. How ever his efforts are ignored.

As days & weeks pass by and he feels a dire urgency to work out the kinks and improve the quality of his products. He strongly believes `Quality' to be one of the prime focus areas of his corporation but things went wayward and he was hell bent on putting them to track. He aimed for the best quality. His approach was to contribute to its improvement and show the management as to what can be done in a span of three months.

He tried to explain different terms used in `Quality Assurance' to the management of his corporation; but realized it to be a difficult task to convince them to see things his way.

This left him in a state of utter disappointment. He returned to his cabin thinking to refer some books. Suddenly his eyes felt upon a book titled `Ladies Better Quality Professionals' . He went though some of its pages but was bored in half an hour and with heavy eyes fill asleep.

The next day he taxed his brain to recollect whatever little he read and attempting to change the existing scenario devised a strategy to observe his wife. Let's hear the out come of this, in his own words:

The sound of alarm woke me at daybreak. To my surprise the chime was a bit different. I enquired Maya, "How is it that the alarm sounds a bit different, today?"

"The new one is a HMT clock." She replied.

"What is gone wrong with the Citizen clock?" I asked with curiosity.

"Nothing," She replied, "I wish to compare the alarm time in the clocks."

Later she maintained a record of time, when the alarm was set and actual time and the alarm rang.

I straightaway looked at the average alarm time and concluded Citizen to be better than HMT. With a smile on her face, she asked to scan through the entire record. What I did not notice was that the earlier or later by 5,3 or 2 minutes whereas the HMT alarm always rang, earlier by 5 minutes for entire week.

Here she displayed her mettle by `recording' the events. This made me realize Citizen's Accuracy and HMT's precision. One has to live with accuracy whereas one can set precision.

The first Maya "I have learned my first lesson about the terminology accuracy, precision, usage of record for decision. Scan the record rather than jump to the conclusion."

Hurrying to go to my office, I reached for the toothbrush and paste in the cabinet. To my surprise, here too I found a different brand of toothpaste. The box cover displayed the picture of a pretty model in sparkling white teeth. I took a close look at the picture. There was not anything appealing. One could see such pictures on different brands of toothpastes. Inside the box I found a white strip. "That's it!" I exclaimed. Now I can compare the brightness of my teeth: as means of comparison is available.

The Second Maya "I have learned my second lesson about the importance of Sample for measurement by attribute"
One Sunday morning, I leisurely read the newspaper and felt the need to take a hot bath. The water in the bucket was like warm; not hot enough to bath in the chilly winter. I frowned at Maya, " You know I prefer taking hot bath. Why didn't you tell me earlier that the water wasn't warm enough to bath?" I read it somewhere that the temperature of water should be 55 degree Celsius. So I demanded that the temperature of water be 55 degree C. Maya Hurried from Kitchen dipped her hand in water declaring that the water is sufficiently hot to bath. Here was a difference in Opinion- a dispute due to measurement by feeling (attribute). Maya get a thermometer, measure it and announced the temperature of water to be exactly 55 degree C. Then she smiled to say- "Now there is no question of dispute a measurement was preferred by a variable. I fumed at the thought of feeling the water warm.

The Third Maya "I have learned my third lesson about the advantage of measurements by variable over attribute. The setting of equipment is done for the requirement and by experience you can still use attribute for quicker decision"

After going through the early morning hassles Maya prepared the tea. I refused to drink, as it was not of my taste. On my inquiry she replied that she added two teaspoons of the instead of three. " Maya, Don't spoil my morning," I said with an _expression of displeasure. She silently returned to the kitchen, to prepare the tea with break fast. I sipped the tea and found it to be of appetizing flavor. Satisfied I chided – "This tickles my sense." Actually she replaced the old one with a new brand of tea (material). "I need to adjust my process". As this new material requires two teaspoon of tea leaves". Replied my wife.

The Fourth Maya" I have learned my fourth lesson about the adjustment of process whenever the input changes."

I regularly visit my friend in the evening. As usual, when I was dressing myself, I observed a loose thread coming out of the shirtsleeve. I was about to other shirt when my Maya told me not to change. She believed this be a minor defect giving two explanations: 1. The thread hung loose is at the inner side of the sleeve. 2. He was on an informal visit (fitness of purpose). " I will cut the loose thread." She said.

The Fifth Maya" I have learned my fifth lesson about the classification of defect as well as fitness for the purpose."

The next day I observed my wife's work pattern in the kitchen. Maya kneaded the dough, adding water, making it self enough to roll the balls into chapaatis. She roasted chapaatis by occasionally turning them over gas flame. She staked them neatly one above the other. I was surprised to see the accurate size and shape of chapaatis. Later she served them with a variety of delicious dishes. I wondered how Maya catered to the different tastes of the children, parents and mine.

The Sixth Maya" I have learned my sixth lesson about the monitoring process and on the job training improve skill and bring consistent output."

Shortly after lunch I needed a nap. I went to my bedroom and switched on the CD player. It played an Indian classical music CD. I was about to change the CD when Maya suggested to listen to it. I readily accepted the suggestion. The music soothed my nerves and put me to sleep. I woke up feeling fresh after this quick nap. Maya's music had worked.

The Seventh Maya" I have learned my seventh lesson about the resistance to change. Accept the suggestion it may improve the quality."

I had my evening tea and Maya got busy with her preparation for baking a cake. It tool half an hour for the cake to get ready. I couldn't resist admiring her preparation. "How is it that, your cake is better than Menginis. She replied in detail- 1. select the fine flour of right quality. 2. Mix the ingradients in right quantity.


FROM,

MAULIK BHUPTANI

MACRO WORLD SOFTWARES

And The Deer Gods Smiled

Despite more than 30 years of whitetail hunting, the author discovers on a big-buck hunt in Saskatchewan that experience isn't always necessary

HE LAY IN THE FIELD LIKE A SIDE OF BEEF-dark, long and 300 pounds strong. I dug my hands into his gnarled hide. My fingers dipped in past the knuckles; his flesh was still hot. I reached for his tines, 10 of them, tall and black as sticks of walnut. It hit me and I started shaking: Lord, I just shot a 170 buck.

That was in 1987, when Saskatchewan was first making opportunity available to nonresident hunters. I was one of the first writers to travel there and shoot a giant whitetail. My story swamped the outfitter with letters and phone calls, Bruce, God rest his soul booked his little camp on the shores of Ministikwan Lake solid for years. The pilgrimage Americans heading north lot molester bucks had begun.

Unless you've been living in a cave, you know there's no better place to hunt for big deer. Since 2000, the province has put some 130 bucks in the Boone and Crockett record book. That doesn't include the giants shot in 2005. Of course, Saskatchewan has become most associated with the biggest of the big, the 213 5/8-inch typical that resident Milo Hanson shot near Biggar in 1993. Still standing as the No. 1 typical whitetail ever taken by a hunter, it's become the record to be Someday, a hunter will break it, and while stales like Kansas and Illinois are likely spots, Hanson's province is just as apt to produce another record and maintain its standing in deer hunting lore.

That is why I keep going back every chance I get. I don't have a silly illusion that I'll kill the new No. 1 buck (well, maybe I do just a little), and hunting near bait is not my favorite tactic. But this I know: If I can hack sitting in a blind for eight hours a day six days running without freezing or going stir-crazy, I'll have a good chance of seeing a beast unlike anything in the states.

Like the one my friend Grant Kuypers was skinning when I pulled into his camp last November. The outfitter gave me a bear hug and grinned, "What do you think, eh?"

What I thought was, Unreal. A guy from New York had shot the 179-inch giant close to the lodge earlier that morning, his first in the bush. The brute would surely net Boone and Crockett.

Late Arrival
To reach Grant's camp I had flown thousands of miles, endured three hellish layovers and driven four hours from Saskatoon in a compact rental crammed with duffels and gun cases. I'd been on the move for 24 hours.

"We've still got a couple of hours left," Grant said. "Go for a quick hunt, or rest up for tomorrow?" I glanced over at the Booner hanging on the meat pole and nearly pulled a hamstring running for my rifle.

I quickly joined Grant and his cousin Brandon at the dock. He cranked the motor and our big aluminum boat bounced up and planed off across the lake. Thirty minutes later, Grant cut the engine and scraped the boat onto the shoreline's rocks. I slung my Remington over my shoulder and crept off on the tiny trail that snaked through the willows. Before motoring for the far end of the lake, Grant turned and called out, "I'll be back if I hear you shoot."

Yeah, right. I didn't plan on seeing a buck on this quickie hunt, much less shooting one. I just wanted to check out the setup I'd hunt for the next week.

My pop-up blind was not far from the lake, tucked inside a copse of spruce and willows precisely 149 yards downwind of a narrow meadow. (I know because I zapped it with my range finder.) Somewhere out there in the grass was a smattering of alfalfa hay and oats.

I'd killed my first buck up here 18 years before by watching a scrape line on the edge of a wheat field, hunting the rut like I might back home in Virginia. Things are different now. Nonresidents are required to hunt north of the province's prime farmland, in what is known as "provincial forest." Another good name for it is an interminable hell of evergreens, poplar and willows dotted with little meadows and swamps. Outfitters scatter grain in the openings to lure deer out of the jungle. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's the way they do it up here. If it's not for you, feel free to stay home.

The Quick and the Dead
I climbed into my blind and checked my watch-3:15 p.m. I held my water bottle aloft and toasted the northern deer gods: "To a good hunt." I took a swig and caught a flash of movement.

Was it just a magpie? One thing I had learned from years of hunting in the bush was to expect a lot of downtime. You don't see much--a few magpies or ravens, the odd squirrel, a moose once in a blue moon and a smattering of deer on your lucky days. The woods can be dead and still for hours.

I caught another flash. I raised my binocular and saw the tan of a deer through the timber. Small buck or doe, I thought. Then he strode out.

They say that when you see a true monster you'll know it. No need to glass or study antlers: Just shoot, man. That might be true in the middle and especially toward the end of a week's hunt, but not minutes in. This deer, wide and thick as an Angus, was mature for sure, but was he a first-day shooter?

Too many people go to Canada and freak out when they see a creature absurdly bigger than anything they've ever seen back home, shooting it dead on theft first or second day in the bush. It's a nice buck, but maybe 30 or 40 points smaller than the deer they might have killed if they'd just been patient. I'd done that before and wasn't planning to mess up that way again.

Usually I can glass a rack and quickly come within 10 inches or so of its gross score. But the frenetic pace at which this hunt was playing out--if you can call 10 minutes a hunt--caught me off guard. It froze some chips in my brain. Would he go 140 inches or 200? I hadn't a clue.

A Split-Second Decision
The buck lugged across the meadow, his rack growing bigger and bigger in my Leica with every step. That was to be expected: The longer you glass an animal at 10X, the larger and larger it seems to get. I hissed out loud, "How many points? How heavy? How wide? Is he big enough, dammit?"

The buck turned toward the blind as if to give me one more good look at his headgear. Two huge, black daggers for brows, one of them forked, leaped out at me. I flipped off the Model 700's safety and centered the crosshair on the deer's shoulder. Two more steps and the animal would be lost forever.

My 7mm RUM roared like a cannon.

I sat rocking and mumbling like a dazed old man. I checked my watch--3:35. Had I just shot a titan, or jumped the gun? I had no idea, but naturally I feared the latter.

Finally, I crept out of the blind and spotted the deer in a heap 20 yards from where I'd shot him. I took off running for the buck.

I knelt and ran my hands through his hide. It was coarse and hot, just as I had remembered all of them being. The rack was mahogany colored. I counted the points, burrs and stickers; there were 22 in all. The beams were as thick as axe handles. He was a mainframe 10-pointer, and when you tacked on all the junk, he'd score 181 and change. I had to think twice, five times, ten times about shooting this thing? It was absurd.

I heard the boat return and soon Grant and Brandon were jogging across the meadow. They stopped and gawked at the giant and then at me. Grant has seen hundreds of burly bucks with racks of every shape and size pulled out of the bush over the years. But even he seemed a bit amazed with this one.

Figuring Things Out
We each grabbed an antler and dragged him to the boat. He wasn't the heaviest Canadian deer I'd ever shot; still, he'd go 275 on those huge hooves.

Grant cranked the outboard and off we went. I looked at the monster bobbing in the bow and tried to sort things out. I had traveled for two days and thousands of miles to hunt for less than a half hour and shoot a buck I expect never to top and, strangely, hope I never do. I chewed on that for a long while. Somewhere out on that lake at the top of the whitetail world it finally sank in: Sometimes it really is better to be lucky than good.

And The Deer Gods Smiled (Photo)

Eighteen years after tagging a 170-inch buck

And The Deer Gods Smiled (Photo) the author one-upped himself with a 180-inch trophy


By: Hanback, Michael, Outdoor Life, Sep2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Man's Worst Friend

Pat's unfortunate string of subpar hunting dogs

Someone told me recently that there's a fairly exact correlation between a diminishing intelligence quotient and the ownership of dogs. If I understand it correctly, the IQ drops five points for every dog acquired over the years. That would put my present IQ at about 40. A few more I dogs and I won't have any IQ at all. I'll be down in the negative numbers. My wife, Bun, agrees with that assessment, and she is a lot better at math than I am due largely, I suppose, to the number of dogs I've owned.

My present dog, Clem, is totally useless. He spends most of each day sleeping under my desk. Every time I hear the expression "that dog won't hunt," I think of Clem. I don't think he was designed for hunting, anyway, so I can't really blame him for that. What he was designed for, I have no idea. He's pretty good at sleeping under my desk, so perhaps that is what his designer had in mind.

Besides sleeping under my desk, Clem's other great pleasure is riding with me out to the dump. I can't criticize him for that, because going to the dump is also one of my great pleasures. Discarding all that useless stuff somehow gives me a sense of accomplishment. Acquiring it years ago probably gave me a sense of accomplishment, too. Clem, of course, doesn't discard anything at the dump, or at least anything I know of. I think his joy comes primarily from the cookie.

Some time ago, a new woman took over the pay shack- at the dump, and she leaned out the little window and inquired, "Would the shaggy old snookums like a cookie?" This sort of thing happens to me quite often, so fight away I said, "Sure." I have to tell you, that cookie was about the worst thing I've ever tasted. So as soon as we were out of sight of the pay shack, I gave the cookie to Clem. He loved it. Among his other deficiencies, Clem has no taste.

When we got home, I told Bun about the cookie incident. She responded by looking first at me and then at Clem and then back at me.

She said, "Have you ever heard the theory that after a while dogs and their owners start to look like each other?" I don't know where Bun picks up this kind of nonsense, I really don't. What bothered me most was that Clem seemed almost as offended as I was.

I am not a person who has ever shopped for dogs. All my life I have simply acquired them. They show up at my house and decide to stay until they expire. Maybe there is some kind of marker on my front gate, put there many years ago by a hobo dog. The marker more or less means, "This guy is a sucker for strays." It's also staining my gatepost.

I got my first dog when I was five or six. For some unknown reason, he was called "Happy." I would play little practical jokes on Happy, and he would bite me. That was pretty much our relationship. Even now, when my hands get tan in the summer, you can see the little white bite marks on my fingers. At least I think that's where the marks came from.

After Happy, I had one or two inconsequential dogs, and then Strange arrived. I don't know if he was the worst dog in the world, but he was at least in contention. My mother first named him Stranger, in the hope he was just passing through. After a while the name was shortened to "Strange," which was generally thought to be much more appropriate. I won't go into detail about his bad habits, but if he had been human he would have been arrested in most states.

In appearance, Strange seemed at first to be your simple little brown-and-white dog. Upon closer inspection, however, you would notice that he had a scraggly mustache that drooped down on both sides of his mouth. His nose was rather prominent for a dog, and on each side of it were little bulging eyes about the size of double-ought buckshot, and just as hard, too. As for his character, all you would have to do is invert the Boy Scout Law and you would pretty much have it: untrustworthy, disloyal, unhelpful, etc.

New friends of mine from school would occasionally drop by. "Geez," they would say, "is that your dog?"

I'd usually admit that he was, though sometimes I might lie and say, "Naw, I think he's just passing through."

In the middle of Strange's sojourn with us, which, as my grandmother claimed, lasted about forever, I acquired my one and only registered bird dog, a beautiful Irish Setter. His name was Butch Garrion III. He actually belonged to the local Catholic priest. The arrangement was that we would house and feed the dog, and Father O'Toole would come out to the farm and use him during pheasant season. I for one approved of the arrangement, because otherwise Father O'Toole would use me for a bird dog. "Here, boy! Here, boy! C'mon, boy," he'd call out. "See what you can flush out of that thorn thicket!" So I was glad to be replaced by Butch. I don't know how good of a bird dog he was, because Father O'Toole never got any pheasants. I suppose somebody should have told him we hadn't seen a pheasant on the farm in years.

The one nice thing about Butch was that he was beautiful. Dumb as stone, but beautiful. Whenever a friend stopped by and asked, "Is that your dog?" I'd say, "Yeah. He's registered."

"Who's the other one?"

"Oh, he's just passing through."

One summer my mother decided we would drive down to Lewiston, Idaho, and pick fruit. Butch was sent back to his owner, but that left Strange. "What about Strange?" I asked my mother.

"I've arranged for Strange to stay with Rancid Crabtree."

"Rancid!" I exclaimed. "But if Strange acts up, Rancid is liable to shoot him!"

"What's your point?" Mom said.

On the day we were to leave, I took Strange over to Rancid's shack, which he had built up against Greenhorn Mountain. He didn't have a dog of his own, which I thought a little suspicious. Everybody in our part of the country owned at least one dog. Back then, I didn't realize that not owning a dog was a sign of intelligence. Rancid's other sign of intelligence was that he had never worked at a job in his entire life. What little money he needed for tobacco and whiskey he made by running a trap line. It was the kind of life I had planned for myself, but I somehow got distracted.

Rancid stared down at Strange. Strange stared back.

"That it?" Rancid said.

"Afraid so."

"You hongry, dog?" Rancid said. He turned and took a skillet of leftover gravy off his barrel stove. "It's grouse gravy," he said. "Best gravy in the world." It was summer and a long time before grouse season, but I didn't bother to ask how he managed to come up with a grouse for his gravy.

He set the skillet on the floor in front of Strange. The dog gobbled up the gravy and then licked the skillet clean.

"Wouldja lookit thet?" Rancid said. "Shoot, now Ah won't even hef to wash maw skillet--not thet Ah was plannin' to!"

"He's got a lot of bad habits," I said. "Some of them are even crimes he could be arrested for."

"Tell me one of them," Rancid said. I told him.

"Shucks, Ah never even know'd thet was a crime! Glad you told me."

I left Strange with Rancid, not at all sure the dog would survive until we returned. We went off to Lewiston and picked fruit until I was about ready to expire. After days and maybe weeks of this torture, we returned home. Right away I walked over to Rancid's shack, to see if Strange had survived. Rancid was sitting on his front porch. Strange was lying beside him, gnawing on the skull of some unfortunate animal.

They both looked pleased with themselves. I thanked Rancid and then called Strange. Picking up the skull, he reluctantly followed me home, but afterwards scarcely a day went by that he didn't go over and hang out with Rancid. They seemed to enjoy each other's company.

"Two peas in a pod," my mother described them.

And she was right. One day they were sitting together on the porch, and I noticed that they both had scraggly mustaches that drooped past the corners of their mouths, and on each side of their prominent noses they had little bulging eyes about the size of double-ought buckshot. And just as hard, too.


By Patrick F. McManus

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Designated Driver

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said; "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Friday, September 08, 2006

Letter to Boss

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:-
Dear Sir, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucritive and attractive for me to turn down.
I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice.
The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far.

Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart".
I am ofcourse retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Ofcourse, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the compnay (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.
Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me.
Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event.

I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.
I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely invest them wisely (but not in your company's stocks of course).
Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company.
Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.
Your faithful employee, S. W. Engineer
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read:
PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you!

Are You a True Golfer ?

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY


Are You a True Golfer ? (Photo)
A man was at the country club for his daily round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said,
"Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago - What'd you shoot?"

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

In the Pet Store

"As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire. I was about to alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped to the cage: 'No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.'"

Story of the Day

A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is?? Easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain?? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
Rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture That he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and sas, "How on earth do you get that To represent 99?"

"Each of DA trees is dirty now.? So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, And dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last question.? Same rules again, But represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture Again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you Go. One hundred!"

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that Represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each Tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you Got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, Dat make one hundred... So, when I start?"

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Contact Agreement

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical

History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Monday, September 04, 2006

The Joy of Fat Sex

The Joy of Fat Sex (Photo)
There is nothing more erotic than two bellies bouncing into each other. Anyone who thinks you need to be thin or muscular to have fun in bed is dead-wrong. Plump lovemaking is the most erotic experience you could ever have. So if you've never tried it, you don't know what you're missing.

We made the most luscious love the other night, and it got me to thinking about when we first met 8 years ago. We were skinny then, and we really got into lovemaking, really romped the bed. And we loved it. But little did we know how great it would get.

We were both about 130-135 pounds then. I'm 5'8" and she's 5'11. In the next few years, she put on quite a bit of weight, and lovemaking just got more and more pleasurable for both of us. She gained up to about 205 by 2004. And feeling her wonderfully soft body and being between those creamy thick thighs, well, I couldn't imagine anything any better until . . .

. . . Until I gained a lot of weight myself. Now, I'm 235, and she's 185 (yeah, she lost while I gained). And the feeling of softness and plushness between us as we make love, well, there's nothing like it. We each have big flabby love handles and our potbellies bounce against each other or melt into each other. She really seems to enjoy grabbing my belly or love handles and squeezing them while we make love. She even grabs my little moobs sometimes and pulls me toward her to keep the rhythm going.

I think back to when we were both so skinny, and I realize that it was never this enjoyable. Our bones knocked together, and our hipbones rubbed together, and neither of us had anything soft and fun to grab and hold onto. Also, it seems like I used to have some trouble staying in her then, but now, I guess my weight just keeps me in place. She seems to be much more aroused than she ever was when we were thin little hardbodies. And I know I am.

And the feeling of our bellies bouncing against each other, it's wonderful. Of course, a lot of the times we just leave them all smooched up together and pooled in delicious sweaty adipose. Mmmmm. I've heard it called "bellybanging" when you make love on a full stomach. Well, this is real bellybanging because we keep our bellies nice and full and plump. We’ve filled them with good food and good loving over the years. They make such a wonderful sound as they blop into each other. Other times, our bulging bellies just stay mashed in together in a wonderful feeling of oneness. Mmmm. And we’re always reaching to pinch, squeeze or caress that belly flab or those so appropriately-named love handles.

Anyone who thinks it’s harder to move when you’re bigger doesn’t know what they’re talking about. It's more fun when you are bigger. And actually a lot easier. The extra weight actually seems to add a lot of "oomph" to lovemaking. I know that the weight of my belly and hips actually swings into her with an awesome force. It makes us both quake in expectation as I swing away.

Just because of momentum, if you've got enough weight in your belly and hips, once you start moving, it's hard to stop.... My hips and belly seem to provide some ballast for my body to move effortlessly toward hers when I'm on top. Sex was never this wonderful when we were skinny. At times, she will, as she says, “ride that big belly”, going wild atop me while grabbing at my flabby gut. Other times, one of us will lie atop the other one, and our soft adipose just pools into one quivering and jiggling chub of love.

And a chubby body seems naturally made for hot lovemaking. The phrase "more cushion for the pushin" certainly appplies. You've got those luscious love handles perfectly made and placed for grabbing and holding on. Just the name "love handles" shows that many have found an erotic use for those goodies. Mmmm. And your cute potbelly becomes a natural padding for protection and just a really sweet soft pillow for . . . uhm, well, resting after a fun romp. And having a fat arse just provides more cushioning in the bed and another great place for grabbing some wonderful flab. A plump rump for romping, of course.

We had fun making love when we were skinny, don’t get me wrong. Now, though, making love is just so wondrously delicious and awesome... I sometimes think if skinny couples knew what we know, that we'd have to fight them in order to get enough tasty fattening food to stay this big. Well, no matter what your size or desires, I hope you have someone to hold onto right now or in the near future. Have a great day, and enjoy life.

By zonker25

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Story of the Year

"A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh! !!"
To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh! !!"
Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"
He receives the answer: "Who are you?"
And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"
The voice answers: "I admire you!"
Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"
He receives the answer: "Coward!"
He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"
The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."
Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"
The voice answers: "You are a champion!"
The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
It gives you back everything you say or do.
Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.
If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.
If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.
This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;
Life will give you back everything you have given to it."
YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"

Arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes t