Listen First, Before You Interrupt

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and going to the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

...........Sometime s you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Classroom Quiz

Those o yae that are Scottish will appreciate this yin.

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. "

Wee Jocky (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, " Ya dancer. Ah'm puredead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. '

Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'

Jeremy "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined.

Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss "

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: " Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming " Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming " Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that? "

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

Caught in a Blizzard

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Airline Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in flight safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a flight attendant on a Northwest flight! announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why , no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

My Girlfriend's Friend

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, indeed, and that was my girlfriend's friend. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she invited me to come over to discuss something about the wedding. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I would be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't suppress. So before I got married and committed my life to her best friend, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

In great anticipation I just watched her delicious body as she moved slowly up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

To my surprise, my girlfriend was standing outside. And with tears in her eyes, she hugged me and said, "I am so in love with you! You have passed my little test. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR

Limo Driver

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

"Oh no, I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher. The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Corporate Rules

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,” Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.” I just need one copy.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her...How are you feeling?"

Telemarketers

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not, since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder......louder...louder

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

Kenny & the Dead Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you goanna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

The Perfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,

"Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges.

In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me.

These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out.

He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit,

but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

Scary Story

This morning I woke up from bed and saw a life size banana standing by the bedroom door. It was laughing for no reason. I got scared and wondered "Where did this come from?" The only possible answer was

The nut house!
But I'll be realistic and say from a box of Lucky Charms. It may of been a marshmallow banana who got sick of being food and turned his back on the Lucky Charms leprechaun. After leaving the cereal box for good, it drank milk to grow BIG and STRONG.
I felt threatened. I thought he was going to attack me. So I grabbed a tissue, spit some saliva on it and squeezed it tightly. The final result was.. a squished wet tissue.


Quick Interview With Dave - By Rod Stewart - NOT the singer!

Rod - So Dave, what were you trying to make from a tissue and saliva?
Dave - Hey Rod, have you ever seen the show MacGyver? Richard Dean Anderson was the man! He was able to make bombs out of a piece of bubble gum and scotch tape. I figured if he can do it so can I. Here goes nothing..
Rod - Good luck! Now we'll return back to Scary Story!


The tissue exploded! And the banana went flying and landed on the ground. Dave felt this was his opportunity to win the fight, so he ran up to the banana and took a BITE out of him.

Dave - Yummy, overgrown marshmallows taste good!

He then raked the marshmallows eyes.

Dave - Marshmallows have eyes? I wonder what those taste like.

Dave then ate the eyes and the marshmallow wasn't able to see no longer. At this point Dave knew he was going to win the fight. He felt bad about taking away the marshmallows vision so to make things better he flushed the marshmallow down the toilet and yelled "muaHAHAHAHAhaha".

One Flaw in Women

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime..

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.

"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

Emerald Eyes

Once upon a time in the land of Hithis Feanhia during the Blissful Era of Prosperity there lived a young princess called Esiley. Many young princes desired her hand in marriage… but she refused them all. So they had to be content with gazing upon her beauty from afar. However, one of these princes, Elriand, was more determined than the others. He would call upon her everyday to try and convince her of his sincerity. Instead, the only thing he had convinced her of was his ability to drive people completely insane.
Though one day when Elriand called upon her Esiley received him. Bowing low, he kissed her hand. He looked up at her with dark blue eyes reminiscent of the twilight from summers long past. His hair, the color of deepest night, She breathed in, thinking, he may be uncommonly handsome, but he was just like all the others: selfish, shallow, and arrogant.
She composed herself and said, with just the faintest hint of sarcasm, “Prince Elriand, what a… pleasure to see you.”
“No, the pleasure is all mine, Princess,” he replied with a smile worthy of any more important prince.
Did he really think that she was that naïve? She knew not one of them really cared for her, but for her beauty, money and title, for she was the sole heir to her kingdom. He wasn’t even creative. ‘The pleasure is all mine’ was a thoroughly overused phrase. Feeling her momentary captivation with his looks slip away, she continued,
“Your determination to win my hand and my heart shows that you will persevere in any cause, even if it seems impossible. I am in need of a man such as you,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes, “or at least the man that you appear to be. I offer you this chance to prove yourself: Do you recall the tale of The Assassin’s Crown?”
“It is familiar to me, Princess, but please refresh my memory. I would like to hear the tale from your beautiful lips.” Ignoring the flattery, she began her tale.
“Long ago before our time there lived a king of Men, Neddan, who was trapped in a war he could not win against the evil Keldrauk, Lord of Shadows. Keldrauk led an army of creatures bound with dark magic to do his bidding. King Neddan was good, but weak, and, fearful of the fate awaited him and his kingdom if Keldrauk prevailed, he killed himself, forcing his daughter to the throne. Karandia was a much more practical leader than her father, and she knew that if she were to engage Keldrauk’s army in battle then her forces would be crushed. Instead, deep in debt, she traded the only thing of value left, the royal crown, to the best assassins who could be found in exchange for the service of eliminating Keldrauk. The assassins accepted the payment, and sent out the elite of their force to accomplish the task. They succeeded, and peace and prosperity were restored to the land. However, in a bloody and unexpected turn of events, the assassins killed Queen Karandia and crowned the best of them, Serthin, as King. The people hated Serthin passionately, because they had loved their Queen deeply. Having him as king was intolerable to them, and to make matters worse he was not even a good king. He was cruel, cold, and ruthless. But fortunately, he was also arrogant and over-confident, so he was not expecting the uprising that ultimately ended in his death. Uprooted from their positions of power, the other assassins fled to the deepest part of the woods, protected by ancient magic anyone who wished them harm. Their new home was named the Glade of Emerald Eyes. The name stemmed from the fact that all of the assassins shared the same startling emerald eyes. Yet, besides the emerald eyes and the ancient tale almost nothing was known about the group. Their proficiency in their area of expertise was legendary, but no one knew more, because part of the ancient magic that protected them was a binding on anyone who engaged their services, forcing them to be unable to reveal the whereabouts of the Glade or any information about it. Several people attempted to break this binding, but no one succeeded. Indeed, most of the people who require the services of the Emerald Eyes are not the kind of people who had any interest in revealing the whereabouts of the Glade.”
At this Esiley paused, remembering. Then, shaking her head as if to clear it of unwanted thoughts, she continued. “Ever since the Glade has remained hidden and legends are woven around it, legends of the crown’s powers, although no one is quite sure what these are, only that they are amazing and may not be used for ill purposes. So the Glade of the Emerald Eyes and its inhabitants remain cloaked in ancient magic and people wonder.”
Esiley finished her story and studied the prince closely, watching. She did not know how he would react, but it would speak silent words about his character. She knew how most of the other princes would react: with flowery responses ill-concealing the fact that they were reluctant to actually face danger.
Then, her green eyes boring into his blue ones, she smiled charmingly.
“I want you to retrieve the Assassin’s Crown and bring it back here, for only when it is restored and crowns the head of the ruling monarch can we have true peace and prosperity.”
Prince Elriand looked at her with an unreadable expression and then replied, “but princess, we already have peace.”
She laughed, then and said, “Really, are you so unaware of the political struggles? Everyone is hungry for power, and some will do anything to get it. Only when the Assassin’s Crown is returned to the ruling monarch will all have to accept the fact that he or she is the true ruler, for the crown will only acknowledge the one meant to rule. Even after Serthin killed Queen Karandia, he could never wear the Crown that she had given him as payment, for he was an unjust tyrant and not suited to rule a kingdom.”
She expected Elriand to argue, but all he said was, “I will be honored to undertake a quest for the good of the kingdom. Hopefully it will convince you that I am honest and my motives are not related to money or titles.”

Esiley lay in bed, her eyes open. She slowly pulled her silk covers back and delicately set her feet upon the cold floor. Holding her hand to her forehead, she stood and stepped into the washroom. Filling her hands with cool water from the basin, she splashed it on her face. She gazed at herself in the mirror. Her stomach writhed. What had she done? She hadn’t thought the stupid prince would accept the quest…. It was just to discourage him! Everyone knew it was imaginary. But then her eyes narrowed and she smiled grimly. Well maybe he would just have to discover that himself. He’ll be back within the week when he finds no leads and he realizes I’ve fooled him, she thought to herself. And maybe, thinking her cruel to send him on such a quest, he would leave her alone.

Storming the castle halls, Elriand fumed. He despised that… princess. She did not deserve the title! She might act courtly and generous, but he saw the deceit in her lovely green eyes that went unnoticed by so many. He smirked. She was like those assassins… stunning emerald eyes, but underneath a rotting heart. Sending people on imaginary quests just to amuse herself. But he would not let her get the better of him.
He wrenched the intricate front doors open and strode out onto the lawn. Elriand slowed down and slowly turned to head into the gardens. Gardens calmed him. The moonlight shone soft light onto the petals of a rose. Elriand sighed and perched himself on a stone bench. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his ring and traced its outlines. Two silver strands coiled around each other and met in the middle where an emerald shone. His father had given it to him before he died. It was their heirloom, one of the only things of value left of the royal family. Elriand’s thoughts turned back to the meeting with Esiley.
Maybe it wasn’t right to pursue a princess for money… but his family’s was slowly running out and his father was dead… there would soon not be enough to keep rule over their small kingdom. The people loved his mother and well, him, but without money the monarchy could weaken and succumb to barbaric attacks and the kingdom would crumble. It left him without any choices. His mother would not approve of marrying for money and would stubbornly continue trying to rule her crumbling kingdom. So, without telling his mother the real reason Elriand chose Princess Esiley to court. She was the right age, her parents would not protest such a marriage, she definitely had enough money in her dowry to support the realm and its subjects, and well, he had wanted to prove to his friends that the lovely Princess Esiley could be courted. He wasn’t so sure anymore.
An idea pushed its way to the front of his mind. He grinned roguishly. That would teach her a lesson and give him a chance to put his charms to a test.

Esiley was in a carriage riding to Geâdia, Elriand’s home country. She looked out the window to gaze at the palace. It was not a fancy castle; that was undeniable. But it had a simple elegance to it that even Esiley, who prized style, appreciated. The crisp grass sloped up to the palace on a hill, where it seemed to lovingly overlook the land and its people. Esiley smiled up at it and, as the carriage stopped, she daintily stepped out of the carriage holding up her beautiful blue gown. Holding her head up regally she began the walk up to the castle gates with her royal entourage trailing behind. Esiley stopped in front of the gigantic door and knocked.
Stepping back from the entrance she looked up and heard a voice echo boomingly out from behind the gate, “Who calls upon the royal family of Geâdia?”
“Princess Esiley of Hithis Feanhia. I am calling upon Elriand of Geâdia.”
“Let them in!” shouted a voice behind the castle walls.
The gate rumbled and dropped open at Esiley’s feet. Esiley glided in and stood in the lovely entrance hall. Footsteps echoed from a hall to her right. She looked to see Elriand enter and bow.
“How lovely to see you again, princess.”
She smiled and held out her hand. Elriand stepped forward to kiss it.
“So… Elriand, why did you call to see me?”
Elriand straightened up. “Well, it is usually traditional for a princess to see a prince that is courting her off when he goes on a quest,” he said cocking his head.
“Courting? Prince Elriand… I would hardly say…”
“Well I would. You made it clear that this quest was to test my perseverance and so forth, for you said, quote ‘I am in need of a man such as you.’ Unquote.”
Esiley smiled with pursed lips, “Well, so it would seem.”
“Yes, well, I was also thinking, now that we have come to an agreement that I am courting you,” Elriand said with a grin, “that you should come along on this quest.”
Esiley’s smile dropped off her face. “What?”
“It makes sense. You are so well informed of the quest we are going on. You could be our guide. I don’t know where I’m going and neither does my crew. You might be able to recall something from the story and figure out where we’re going. And besides, this quest is to save your kingdom. Surely you want to supervise this expedition.”
“Well…um…” Esiley fumbled with words as she looked for a way to escape her predicament. This wasn’t supposed to happen!
Elriand smiled. “Great! We’re leaving Monday. You can stay here in Geâdia if you like, though I believe you’ll need to pack.” Elriand bowed and left.

“So where are we going, princess?” said Elriand smiling at her from atop a horse beside her.
“How should I know?” Esiley snapped.
“Why princess! I thought you were going to lead us on this expedition!” Elriand exclaimed with a straight face. However, he was laughing inside.
“Well I’m not. I have no idea where we’re going. This was supposed to be your quest.” A knight from Geâdia rode up beside them.
“There’s a town up ahead, sir. It is said to be the village that houses one who has seen the Emerald Glade,” the young knight said with wide eyes.
“Thank you, Peter. Would you like to lead the rest of the way?”
“Yes, sir!” The knight rode away up to the front, with a proud smile on his face.
“I can’t believe so many believe that mock tale is true,” said Elriand.
“WHAT?” said Esiley jerking around in her saddle to stare at Elriand. “You knew?”
“Yes. Did you actually think I was that stupid? Really. Pathetic.”
“Then why are we on this ridiculous quest anyway? I can’t believe you tricked me!”
“We owe it to the people on this quest you sent us on.”
“I sent you on this quest! They needn’t have gone and I needn't have either!”
“Besides, we may be really on to something. That man who has supposedly seen the Emerald Glade… maybe he really has!” said Elriand with a raised eyebrow and a grin.
Esiley gave Elriand a dirty look. “Well as soon as these people discover this tale is made up, I am going home.”
“You mean when they discover this princess is a fake? That wasn’t a bright move. They will think of you as a liar for the rest of your life!” Elriand smirked, and reached out to touch her arm. “But don’t worry, princess, I’ll save you from your destitution. Marry me and you’ll be fine.”
“Oh, charming! First insult me and then propose! I knew what I was doing. All they will think is how their prince could believe such a lie! Or maybe I’ll just let it slip that you knew all along and left them in the dark!” She wrenched her arm from his grasp. “We’re here.” She said, riding to the front of the group with Peter.
The company rode into town drawing looks from peasants as they looked through the crowds. Esiley called out to a man walking on the street. “Please, sir, could you tell me where I might find the man here who claims to have seen the Emerald Glade?”
The man pointed to a small cottage with a disgruntled look upon his face.
“I thought you didn’t believe it either.” Said Elriand riding up next to her.
“Anything to get this quest over with,” she said, dismounting smoothly. She strode into the run-down cottage with her train trailing behind and her long, curly black hair flowing around her shoulders.
“I must be crazy,” Elriand muttered and followed after her. The knights followed behind.

“What? The Emerald Glade? Never heard of it,” the old man said with a crazed look in his eye.
Elriand’s eyes narrowed. “Fine. We’re obviously in the wrong place. If you’ll excuse us, we'll be on our way."

Source: email

Ultimate Divorce Letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife


***********************


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Harry

Harry went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Harry.

Six months later the doctor met Harry on the street."Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"

The Following is a Chinese Good Luck Tantra Totem

You may not believe in this but the advice is great!
Read all the way down, you might learn something!!!

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who
don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.

ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY ONE.
Spend some time alone.

Now, here's the FUN part! This tantra totem has
been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent
around the world ten times so far. You will receive
good luck within four days of relaying this tantra
totem. Send copies to people you think need good
don't send money as fate has no price.

Do not keep this message.
The tantra totem must leave your hands in
96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise.
This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically!!

Why Russians are Very Good at Chess

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa (in Russia) was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. " But how is it that you know my name ?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

Purina Diet

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.