Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they
began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer. and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. It felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates! So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Just Trust Me on This

Cheese
Cheese is a beermat that's twenty feet tall and can easily be recycled.

Kraft macaroni
Kraft macaroni is a pair of shoes that plays Sokoban! It takes high-quality digital photos and craves attention.

cream of wheat
cream of wheat is a contraceptive device that plays the American national anthem! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

trojan
trojan is a TV remote control that can communicate with your golf club! It keeps drinks cold and communicates via Instant Messenger.

steinway
steinway is a DVD player that's water-absorbent and changes colour.

Sony
Sony is a tricycle that self-replicates! It helps the medicine go down.

Mason and Hamlin
Mason and Hamlin is like a normal contact lens, but it defies gravity.

Johnson and Johnson
Johnson and Johnson is a sheet of paper that's great for hammering in nails! It is solar-powered.

McDonald's
McDonald's is a milk carton that feeds your pets and counts your loose change.

Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is a parachute that remembers all of its past actions and doesn't need oiling.
[ed. note: I'll show YOU a parachute that doesn't need oiling!]

McMaster Carr
McMaster Carr is a postage stamp that's heavier than it looks, hums incessantly and is oak-panelled.

Scotch
Scotch is a lunchbox that sorts your mail! It talks.

Jack Daniels
Jack Daniels is a DVD player! It works at twice the normal speed!

Budweiser
Budweiser is like a normal burglar alarm, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Amstel Light
Amstel Light is a headband that can be used by several people at once! It can speak French and can only be operated by a trained professional.

Anal R. Gapings
Anal R. Gapings is a button-badge that looks like a pot-plant! It gets +2 to kill undead.

Miller
Miller is a contraceptive device that has no moving parts!

Ford
Ford is a webcam that's covered with realistic fur! It is perfectly safe to use.

Chrysler
Chrysler is a newly-discovered breed of fish that has a leopardskin print! It can play chess and self-replicates.

Toyota
Toyota is a DVD player that sounds better than it looks, remembers all of its past actions and has velcro pads on the side.

Honda
Honda is a car that sorts your mail, communicates with other copies of itself and won't make a hole in your wallet.
[Ed.: Really?]

Ragtime
Ragtime is an aquarium that's not suitable for children, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and receives data from any nearby robotic dog.

Universal
Universal is like a normal trouser press, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.

Seeburg
Seeburg is a marker pen that displays a slideshow of pictures, plays a mean game of Go and costs less than £20.

Wurlitzer
Wurlitzer is like a normal pen, but it freezes anything it touches.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

One More, to Make up for the Last One

(note: scroll slowly and don't look at the answer until you're done reading the question)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference for an organization:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Marriages

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady And after the wedding, he laid down the following Rules:

" I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I Expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you That I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, " No, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'clock every night ......... Whether you're here or Not ."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of Their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:

" Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

" Yeah?" she replies. " When you die, I'm getting you a Headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last "

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at The breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and Says, " And you are no good in bed either," And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides To make amends and rings her up. She comes to the Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone ?"

She says, " I was in bed."

" In bed this early, doing what?"

" Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts Calling his wife, " Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife Is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his Voice, " Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of Discretion, shouts right back, " Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home And were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, The man realized that the next day, he would Need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early Morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first To break the silence (and LOSE), He wrote on a piece Of paper, " Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it Where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the Man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he Had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a Piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Haircut

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go Rome?
It's crowded and dirty and worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."
"So, how are you getting there"?
"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental"? exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome"?
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Trieste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive.
But it's really a dump. The worst hotel in the whole city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there"?
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel.
It was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser. "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky.
As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really"? asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say"?

He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut"?